Courage To See Myself As God Sees Me

I had my ARP group tonight. I had not been for 2 weeks for various reasons, mainly the end of the school year and wrapping up teaching activities. I also was struggling going alone, without my best friend, who is so awesome and supports me by attending when she can. She gains so much from the meetings too because of it's wonderful spiritual nature. Having her attend with me gives me courage to walk through those doors and to face the reality of my addiction. I have gone quite a few times by myself, but lately I have really been struggling with anxiety and shame, so attending things alone has been more difficult. I am grateful for her friendship, love, support and testimony. Tonight she was able to attend with me. I was able to walk through those doors with more courage because I was not alone. 

To me, ARP is the most spiritual activity of my week. The group I attend has the most amazing women. They have struggled so much but have stayed close to the Savior and have built amazing relationships with Him. Despite the struggles, the have worked hard to listen to the spirit and to act on difficult promptings. I am in awe of their testimonies. I am thankful that I am able to hear and feel their testimonies of the atonement each week. They strengthen me more than they will ever know. 

Due to my quiet nature, I am not one to share a lot about myself.  As I get stronger in the recovery process and in my feelings of worth, I hope to be more vocal about my journey. Tonight in group, we were on Step 4: Truth. There were several parts of the reading that hit me, but one in particular really struck a nerve inside me due to my intense feelings of self-hatred and delusional worthlessness.  It said, "As you gather courage to see yourself as you really are, God will open your eyes, and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you - as one of His children with a divine birthright. Take this step, and keep your eyes on the birthright."

This statement says it takes COURAGE to see yourself as you really are. I wrote about courage just the other day in my last blog entry. I know I have courage, but I never thought of using courage to see myself differently that I do right now. I have some pretty concrete beliefs, that I consider truths, of who I am (and it is not the same way God supposedly sees me). I have asked God to open my eyes to see myself as He does, but I have not found that light .... yet. I am working on it harder than anyone even knows. I think some people think I have given up trying, but I never have. Now I know I need to practice more courage. COURAGE. I want to see myself differently. I want to feel peace about who I am. As I continue to work the steps, I hope this part of me will gradually change and I can feel peace and love for myself. 

In this step, it says, "The encouragement and support of others who understand recovery can help you in your efforts."  I am so thankful for the support of others in my life because they are truly encouraging me and cheering me on.  Sometimes they are right there and I can hear them loud and clear. Other times I know they are near, but I can't see them or hear them. But I know they are still encouraging me and that they believe in me. That is how God is too. Sometimes He is right there and sometimes He seems far away. I struggle so much with trusting Him and believing He is there, but I can't deny the blessings He has given me. More often then not, I know He is there cheering me on because he has placed angels in my life who help me get back up when I fall down. They are an answer to my prayers. God must love me if He has blessed me with these amazing men and women. 

My Life Takes Courage!

Early this morning I woke up and started writing in one of my other blogs where I use my real name. It was some pretty intense writing about how my life takes courage. I felt it was very appropriate to share what I wrote on this blog. I know my life takes courage to keep going and I know your life does too! Keep practicing that courage.....they are spectacular rewards on the other side! :)

I saw this quote today and wanted to share it. Courage is my favorite word these days. It takes more courage than even I imagine I have to move forward daily in my life. 

It takes courage to get up in the morning. It takes courage to go to bed at night. It takes courage to go to work every day. It takes courage to breathe. It takes courage to trust God. It takes courage to fight constantly with the false beliefs I have. It takes courage to swallow my medications morning and night. It takes courage to tackle my anxiety and not let it rule my life. It takes courage to be real. It takes courage to go to individual and group counseling. It takes courage to look inside myself and see my weaknesses. It takes courage to trust others. 

It takes courage to attend church each week. It takes courage to see family and friends. It takes courage to drive places in my car. It takes courage to be a friend. It takes courage to talk to God. It takes courage to have faith. It takes courage to believe in myself. It takes courage to continue living each day. It takes courage to fight against the darkness. It takes courage to trust the process. It takes courage to believe that others care. It takes courage to ignore the rumors and stares from others. It takes courage to be alone. It takes courage to face my fears. It takes courage to accept that my life is difficult. It takes courage to have faith that everything will work out. It takes courage to believe that life is worth living. It takes courage to look at the sun. It takes courage to talk about my emotions. It takes courage to talk about the future. It takes courage to read the scriptures. It takes courage to access the priesthood. It takes courage to talk to my bishop. 

It takes courage to listen to God. It takes courage to believe that I have worth. It takes courage to be patient. It takes courage to believe things will work out. It takes courage to focus on the positives. It takes courage to give hugs. It takes courage to handle the rejection by others. It takes courage to accept life as it is. It takes courage to accept the atonement. It takes courage to open up to others. It takes courage to be emotionally sensitive. It takes courage to make myself worthy for the temple. It takes courage to try new forms of therapy. It takes courage to feel. It takes courage to be my real self. It takes courage to be different. It takes courage to be willing. It takes courage to be mindfully present. It takes courage to ask for forgiveness. It takes courage to ride the wave of emotions. It takes courage to ask for blessings. It takes courage to think deeply about life. It takes courage to act on the counsel from my bishop.

It takes courage to believe in myself. It takes courage to know that God knows best. It takes courage to be patient in God's timing. It takes courage to open up about my character flaws. It takes courage to blog about my life. It takes courage to be honest with myself and others. It takes courage to learn from the past to make a brighter future. It takes courage to not self-harm. It takes courage to listen to the prophet. It takes courage to not act out. It takes courage to quit a good job and go back to school. It takes courage to tackle an unknown future. It takes courage to be who I really am. It takes courage to not be married. It takes courage to say how things really are. It takes courage to hurt.

It takes courage to be hopeful. It takes courage to love. It takes courage to pray. It takes courage to make my life right with the Lord. It takes courage to not turn to my addictions for relief. It takes courage to use the 12 step program to become a better person. It takes courage to turn my life over to God. It takes courage to accept God's will. It takes courage to deny the cravings. It takes courage to not hurt others. It takes courage to try new things. It takes courage to read a book. It takes courage to serve others. It takes courage to accept the love of others. It takes courage to be mindful. It takes courage to not view the images of the world. It takes courage to smile at others. It takes courage to have relationships. It takes courage to admit I was wrong. It takes courage to have hope. It takes courage to face my fears. It takes courage to feel the pain. It takes courage to feel joy. It takes courage to not believe the philosophies of men. 

It takes courage to have a testimony. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to not hide. It takes courage to stand in holy places. It takes courage to live my beliefs. It takes courage to not disappear. It takes courage to live. It takes courage to not act on the dark thoughts. It takes courage to look for the positives. It takes courage to believe my life has a purpose. It takes courage to know that I matter. It takes courage to ignore the adversary. It takes courage to repent. It takes courage to not believe the world. It takes courage to set boundaries. It takes courage to listen to the Holy Ghost. 

It takes courage to take baby steps forward. It takes courage to love others. It takes courage to not be hurt by the ones that I love. It takes courage to be aware. It takes courage to use cognitive behavior skills. It takes courage to not kill myself. It takes courage to focus on the light. It takes courage to accept myself. It takes courage to enjoy life. It takes courage to write all these things down and to think even more things that I didn't write down. 

MY LIFE TAKES COURAGE!

June Is My Month of Courage

Life. It sure has it's ups and down. And sometimes its downs are really down. But somehow, no matter how low I get, I am able to rise above it and function on a pretty high level. It's really tough, but I do it day after day after day. 

I told one of my therapists the other day that I wish I could stand on top of a mountain and yell so the whole world could hear me.....I AM DOING IT! I HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP! I KEEP PUTTING FORTH EFFORT EVERY SINGLE DAY. I AM TRYING AND WORKING AND BECOMING A BETTER PERSON. QUIT JUDGING ME. I AM DIFFERENT THAN I USED TO BE BUT IT IS GOOD. I AM A BETTER HUMAN BEING AND STRONGER AND KINDER AND HONEST AND MORE COMPASSIONATE. 

Oh, how I wish I could say all those things to the people that have turned their backs on me.

But it really doesn't matter because I know I am a better person than I have ever been. So despite the difficult month of June (grandmother passing, end of school year and having to say goodbye to my students, financial worries, depression, addiction, lack of sleep, etc) I have continued to live and move forward. I have been clean all month and I feel hopeful for my continued recovery.

I love this quote by President Monson.  He said, "Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. “Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’" (Living the Abundant Life)

COURAGE is my favorite word. I love quotes about courage. I feel I live my life with courage every single day. No one knows the amount of courage it takes me to live each day. God knows though and that is what matters. He knows the amount of courage it takes for me to take one step, two steps and sometimes thousands of steps a day to live a life worth living. Thank goodness for second and third and endless chances and the opportunity to make that extra effort.

I know this week and this month has taken a greater amount of courage for me in all areas of my life. And I feel good knowing that I lived this week with courage and that I am being blessed because of my efforts and because I have not given up. I am so blessed that God has not given up on me and that I have special people in my life who have not given up either. I know they believe in me and love me unconditionally.

Endure It Patiently

A few weeks back in my ARP group, I was touched by this quote that was shared. It is all about  affliction. We are all going through some kind of affliction whether it be our addiction, or some other trial in life. This quote helps me to keep an eternal perspective on the many afflictions I have right now. I wanted to share this powerful quote with all of you.

Orson F. Whitney, quoted in Spencer W. Kimball's Faith Proceeds the Miracle, page 98:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father in Heaven."

Quietly Working the Steps

I have not written for quite a while due to the craziness and busyness of my life as a teacher. Thursday was the last day of school,, so maybe (that's a big maybe) my life will slow down a tad bit. I don't know if it will, but it's worth a try. I just keeping "one day at a time".

I have thought a lot of about some of the things that have transpired in my life in the last few weeks. I have wondered if any of the events are connected to my addiction. After deep thought, I have felt that only a few of them have a connection. And really, it's because of the events that my addiction even pops us. It is easy to blame so much on the addiction or the addictive personality, but in reality (for me), the addiction is just a symptom of a much larger problem. And the addiction is not the overwhelming symptom, it really just sits there in the darkness and pops up when it is convenient.

This addiction is not who I am and is not the consuming factor in my life. My life is filled with many, many things and I have overcome much bigger mountains than this addiction. I am climbing a very big mountain right now, with several smaller mountains at the top of this big peak, that I working on conquering. Does everyone need to know the details of this mountain? No. The ones that need to know or that I share with it with, are my bishop, my therapists and my closest friends. I appreciate the outside support of encouragement, but I realize we are all have mountains to climb and we all need different levels of support.

I am working very hard on the steps, even though I have not written about it on my blog for a few weeks. I am doing what I need to do to feel good about my ability to climb my mountains. I am thankful for those that have reached out to me with words of encouragement. My grandma died due to old age last week and it was a blessing to hear from some of my recovery buddies. It's nice to have recovery buddies. My goal in life has never been to be popular. My goal has been to be honest and real and not overly dramatic to draw attention to myself. I do not like to have the attention turned toward me. I am an introvert by nature (except when I am teaching my students), so you will not find me doing things to make people notice me.

I will continue to write quietly on this blog and reach out to others who need extra encouragement. I appreciate those that reach out to me and comment on my blog and try to get to know me. I know I think on a deeper level on some things when it comes to life and meaning and purpose and addiction. I know that through the 12 step program, there is hope in recovery.

Working Recovery

I am working recovery, just like my blog name says. It is so hard. I have moments of success and I  have moments of weakness. I have not given up but I am disappointed in myself. And that disappointment hurts more than knowing you have disappointed God, the Savior, the bishop and your best friend.

I have not watched pornography for over 2 months. I am trying to not count days right now as I was getting caught up in that whole idea of basing my worth on how many days I have been clean. However, I will say that it is getting easier to not watch it or even think about it. It's the other part of the addiction. The big "M" word that is killing me. I asked some pretty blunt questions to my bishop tonight regarding this. I appreciated his response because even though he does not know the answer to my tough question, he didn't just make something up. He was honest with me and encouraged me to keep asking the questions instead of getting upset, frustrated, discouraged and turning away from the Lord. He said he wants me to ask the hard questions, even if he doesn't know the answers. I respected him for saying that and I feel like I can go to him with some of my other hard questions.

I am dealing with some other difficult things in my life right now, which is causing me to trigger even more into this addiction. It helps numb the pain I am feeling. I am in intense counseling for several areas of my life, which is extremely helpful. However, the best thing for me is to stay close to the Lord, strive to feel His spirit, keep going to church, exercise faith and try with all my might to keep the influence of Satan out of my life. I am doing the best that I can, which is an awful lot right now, and I hope it is enough to keep me moving forward in a positive direction.

The Uphill Climb

It's been a week since I have last posted. This week has been a blur and I really can't remember  too much. I feel like I am in the middle of a long, uphill climb and I cannot see my destination. It is foggy and cold and the trail is slippery with mud. I keep slipping and sliding down the hill. I always get back up and keep moving forward, but sometimes it takes me awhile to pick myself up and start again.

I am currently climbing upward, aware that I am not meeting the expectations of myself or of those closest to me. However, I am doing the best that I can at this exact moment. I wish that was enough. My personal, work, spiritual, emotional, physical and mental life are all demanding my attention right now, which is causing me to be triggered on so many levels. Those triggers influence how I deal with my addiction. And how I deal with life in general. 

It is a tender mercy that there are other sisters that are blogging about their experiences with this addiction. It really helps to know I am not the only one who struggles. For so long, about 23 years, I truly thought I was crazy. I can see the beginnings of the addiction as early as 8 or 9 years old. By age 13 I had begun searching out sexual material. I am not blaming abuse for my sexual addiction, however, I am coming to understand the role sexual and emotional abuse have played in my life. 

I feel the hope that many sisters have in overcoming the cycle of addiction. However, I know recovery lasts a lifetime. I wonder daily if I have it in me to stay in recovery for a lifetime. I do not know that answer right now. What I do know is that I need to stay mindfully present, keep myself in the moment, and focus on what I am doing right in my life. Today I am "clean" and for today, that is all that matters.