I now have a quiet, inner strength that I have not had for a long time when it comes to recovery. I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops how many days of sobriety I have. But I do want to let others know that there is hope as you begin this journey. I have begun this journey many, many times throughout my life. Each time the journey is a bit different, with a variety of ups and downs. Lots of downs actually. My journey today includes God, prayer, the 12 steps, the Addiction Recovery Program, the gospel principles (included with ARP), service, a calling in the ward, my bishop, my therapists, my support network, my best friend, other friends who don't even know about my recovery process, realistic goals....and so many other things.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Slow But Steady
I haven't blogged for a few weeks. My summer has been much busier than I was planning and so blogging as been put on the back burner. It is one of those things that I really enjoy doing, but is not a top priority when I have many other responsibilities and things that need to be done.
For some reason, I feel like I need to write a short little something before I fall asleep (it is already 2:00am). I have been doing remarkably well in the area of recovery (which is a surprise to me). I am not exactly sure what is different this time, but I am achieving the small goals for myself that are leading up to a big goal. It is the little steps forward that are making all the difference. Usually I jump into recovery so fast and try to sprint to the finish line. Now I realize that it really is, "Slow and steady wins the race." If I keep working the steps slowly but constantly (and consistently), I will succeed better than if I rush through the steps really fast. I really think the "slow and steady" part is what is making the difference for me. I have not been this "100% clean and sober" for a very long time.
I now have a quiet, inner strength that I have not had for a long time when it comes to recovery. I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops how many days of sobriety I have. But I do want to let others know that there is hope as you begin this journey. I have begun this journey many, many times throughout my life. Each time the journey is a bit different, with a variety of ups and downs. Lots of downs actually. My journey today includes God, prayer, the 12 steps, the Addiction Recovery Program, the gospel principles (included with ARP), service, a calling in the ward, my bishop, my therapists, my support network, my best friend, other friends who don't even know about my recovery process, realistic goals....and so many other things.
So now I will go to bed and rest, so that I am ready for another challenging day tomorrow. No day is easy for me. I do the make the choice to push myself and be courageous. There is hope that maybe some day my hopes and dreams can come true if I keep taking small and steady steps forward....moving towards my eternal goals.
I now have a quiet, inner strength that I have not had for a long time when it comes to recovery. I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops how many days of sobriety I have. But I do want to let others know that there is hope as you begin this journey. I have begun this journey many, many times throughout my life. Each time the journey is a bit different, with a variety of ups and downs. Lots of downs actually. My journey today includes God, prayer, the 12 steps, the Addiction Recovery Program, the gospel principles (included with ARP), service, a calling in the ward, my bishop, my therapists, my support network, my best friend, other friends who don't even know about my recovery process, realistic goals....and so many other things.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
The Serenity Prayer
For the last week or so I have been really thinking about the Serenity Prayer. I have been trying to understand these words and accept them into my belief system. I am sure other's must think, "These words are simple; of course you can accept them". Well, nothing is really simple in my mind these days.
One thing I have learned through this recovery process and in strengthening my testimony is that in the past, I blindly accepted spiritual things. I did that for 36 years (yes, I am 36 years old). I put no thought or inquiry into the process of having a testimony. I just accepted everyone else's and did not question anything. EVER. I was numb inside my soul due to many factors, addiction playing a small role, but not the underlying issue. My addictions were being used to keep me numb. This was just one of many self-destructive behaviors that I had. I didn't want to feel because it hurt too much. I was in so much pain spiritually, physically and emotionally. By just accepting what I was being taught at church, I didn't have to think or process for myself.
In the past year, that has completely changed due so many factors. I now think for myself and question things to discover the truth. I am now feeling and processing and experiencing recovery on so many levels, in all areas of my life. I have really needed to hold on to the concept of COURAGE to make these life changes. That is why I love the Serenity Prayer so much. It speaks to my soul. I am changing in a lot of ways, through various means, and I need God's help for these changes to be eternal changes. I need COURAGE to change the things that I can. There are several things I cannot change and I am struggling to find serenity in that. But I am working on it. Those closest to me say they see great progress and that wonderful changes are taking place in me. I might not recognize those changes as clearly as they do, however, I do know that God has granted me SERENITY, COURAGE and WISDOM.
Today I was driving home from an experience that took courage on my part and humility to accept the help. I had 2 sweet little boys in the back seat that I am working with this summer and they were singing away. They were making me smile. As I drove away from this location, I started crying. They were tears of gratitude for God, for the gospel, for friends and for an inspired bishop. And then it hit me, (well, really the Holy Ghost spoke to my heart) that I have experienced heavy, deep, difficult challenges this past 12 months and God has seen me through them. He has provided ways for me to walk through the dark, even when I thought my life was ending. I am still walking in the dark, but I have so many more tools and resources and support than a year or two or three ago. I said a silent prayer to God to thank Him for not deserting me. I even felt for a moment that "I can do hard things through Christ the Lord" because I have been doing them for 36 years due to the journey of my life.
My recovery is not about sexual addiction. Yes, I struggle with that and I am working recovery for that struggle. However, the true reason I am working recovery is to heal a severely damaged and broken heart, mind and soul. I am in recovery to know that I have infinite worth, that I matter and that there is a plan for me. The Serenity Prayer provides me with hope as I travel down the road of recovery. It gives me the courage to change false beliefs to eternal truths and to feel the hope and peace of God's love.
One thing I have learned through this recovery process and in strengthening my testimony is that in the past, I blindly accepted spiritual things. I did that for 36 years (yes, I am 36 years old). I put no thought or inquiry into the process of having a testimony. I just accepted everyone else's and did not question anything. EVER. I was numb inside my soul due to many factors, addiction playing a small role, but not the underlying issue. My addictions were being used to keep me numb. This was just one of many self-destructive behaviors that I had. I didn't want to feel because it hurt too much. I was in so much pain spiritually, physically and emotionally. By just accepting what I was being taught at church, I didn't have to think or process for myself.
In the past year, that has completely changed due so many factors. I now think for myself and question things to discover the truth. I am now feeling and processing and experiencing recovery on so many levels, in all areas of my life. I have really needed to hold on to the concept of COURAGE to make these life changes. That is why I love the Serenity Prayer so much. It speaks to my soul. I am changing in a lot of ways, through various means, and I need God's help for these changes to be eternal changes. I need COURAGE to change the things that I can. There are several things I cannot change and I am struggling to find serenity in that. But I am working on it. Those closest to me say they see great progress and that wonderful changes are taking place in me. I might not recognize those changes as clearly as they do, however, I do know that God has granted me SERENITY, COURAGE and WISDOM.
Today I was driving home from an experience that took courage on my part and humility to accept the help. I had 2 sweet little boys in the back seat that I am working with this summer and they were singing away. They were making me smile. As I drove away from this location, I started crying. They were tears of gratitude for God, for the gospel, for friends and for an inspired bishop. And then it hit me, (well, really the Holy Ghost spoke to my heart) that I have experienced heavy, deep, difficult challenges this past 12 months and God has seen me through them. He has provided ways for me to walk through the dark, even when I thought my life was ending. I am still walking in the dark, but I have so many more tools and resources and support than a year or two or three ago. I said a silent prayer to God to thank Him for not deserting me. I even felt for a moment that "I can do hard things through Christ the Lord" because I have been doing them for 36 years due to the journey of my life.
My recovery is not about sexual addiction. Yes, I struggle with that and I am working recovery for that struggle. However, the true reason I am working recovery is to heal a severely damaged and broken heart, mind and soul. I am in recovery to know that I have infinite worth, that I matter and that there is a plan for me. The Serenity Prayer provides me with hope as I travel down the road of recovery. It gives me the courage to change false beliefs to eternal truths and to feel the hope and peace of God's love.
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