Working Recovery

I am working recovery, just like my blog name says. It is so hard. I have moments of success and I  have moments of weakness. I have not given up but I am disappointed in myself. And that disappointment hurts more than knowing you have disappointed God, the Savior, the bishop and your best friend.

I have not watched pornography for over 2 months. I am trying to not count days right now as I was getting caught up in that whole idea of basing my worth on how many days I have been clean. However, I will say that it is getting easier to not watch it or even think about it. It's the other part of the addiction. The big "M" word that is killing me. I asked some pretty blunt questions to my bishop tonight regarding this. I appreciated his response because even though he does not know the answer to my tough question, he didn't just make something up. He was honest with me and encouraged me to keep asking the questions instead of getting upset, frustrated, discouraged and turning away from the Lord. He said he wants me to ask the hard questions, even if he doesn't know the answers. I respected him for saying that and I feel like I can go to him with some of my other hard questions.

I am dealing with some other difficult things in my life right now, which is causing me to trigger even more into this addiction. It helps numb the pain I am feeling. I am in intense counseling for several areas of my life, which is extremely helpful. However, the best thing for me is to stay close to the Lord, strive to feel His spirit, keep going to church, exercise faith and try with all my might to keep the influence of Satan out of my life. I am doing the best that I can, which is an awful lot right now, and I hope it is enough to keep me moving forward in a positive direction.

The Uphill Climb

It's been a week since I have last posted. This week has been a blur and I really can't remember  too much. I feel like I am in the middle of a long, uphill climb and I cannot see my destination. It is foggy and cold and the trail is slippery with mud. I keep slipping and sliding down the hill. I always get back up and keep moving forward, but sometimes it takes me awhile to pick myself up and start again.

I am currently climbing upward, aware that I am not meeting the expectations of myself or of those closest to me. However, I am doing the best that I can at this exact moment. I wish that was enough. My personal, work, spiritual, emotional, physical and mental life are all demanding my attention right now, which is causing me to be triggered on so many levels. Those triggers influence how I deal with my addiction. And how I deal with life in general. 

It is a tender mercy that there are other sisters that are blogging about their experiences with this addiction. It really helps to know I am not the only one who struggles. For so long, about 23 years, I truly thought I was crazy. I can see the beginnings of the addiction as early as 8 or 9 years old. By age 13 I had begun searching out sexual material. I am not blaming abuse for my sexual addiction, however, I am coming to understand the role sexual and emotional abuse have played in my life. 

I feel the hope that many sisters have in overcoming the cycle of addiction. However, I know recovery lasts a lifetime. I wonder daily if I have it in me to stay in recovery for a lifetime. I do not know that answer right now. What I do know is that I need to stay mindfully present, keep myself in the moment, and focus on what I am doing right in my life. Today I am "clean" and for today, that is all that matters.

Doing the Best I Can

Life keeps moving fast and I am having a hard time keeping up. The challenge of this addiction is difficult and I wonder each minute if I am up for that challenge. I truly do not know the answer to that right now. I see my hopes and dreams damaged and ruined, never to come back.

I went to ARP this week where we read and talked about the Introduction in the manual. If you have not read and studied the Introduction, I highly recommend it. There is one sentence that really hit me. It says, "No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father". I am really struggling to believe this, but I am willing to keep moving forward and to try to understand what it means to me.

I am struggling. With every single aspect of my life. I do not believe in creating an image of perfection or that everything is going well when it is not. I am real. I am human. I am imperfect. I am trying hard. I talked to one of my therapists on the phone today. She asked me to say one positive thing about myself about something from this day. Here is what I said to her, "I am doing the best that I can today with how I am feeling". Doing the best I can at this moment has to be enough because it is all I can do right now.

This Experience Is A Roller Coaster

I haven't blogged for a week. Mainly because I am not sure what to write because of the kind of week the past week has brought me. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions, thoughts and experiences. One minute I am doing relatively well and feeling stable in my quest for recovery. The next minute I am feeling hopeless and lost.

I have thought about the comments I received on how to ask for help when I need it from this blog post. And if anyone else has any other thoughts about what works for them, please add comments. I have come to realize that the reason I have not taken that big step in asking for help in my "moments of decision" is because I do not believe I am worth someone's time or energy or thought. I do not believe that I should bother anyone. So I have held back in the moments when I really, truly need a hand to hold on to when prayer has not done the trick.

I went to my ARP meeting this week and was reminded that I need to be there (I missed last week because of how I was feeling). It wasn't necessarily what was said by the women in attendance, but it was the spirit that was there. These group meetings are where I feel the spirit the strongest. I struggle so much with being at church, but at ARP, I feel that I can be myself and that being myself is okay. I give myself permission to feel the spirit and it is calming. I still have tears of sadness and sorrow during group, but I feel that the spirit is teaching me through those tears. I feel supported even when I don't speak many words. And though the sisters do not necessarily know the depth of my struggles, they look at me with non-judgmental eyes and with their hearts. I appreciate that more than they will ever know.

I met with my bishop this week. I thought I would be going into his office and would be "beat up". I have slipped in some aspects of this addiction and needed my spiritual adviser to guide me and share the words that the Savior would have me hear. Instead of being "beat up", I felt LIFTED UP and LOVED. Did I want to hear all the words he said? Not at all, but the words were said with love and compassion. Were they easy to hear? Not at all, but I was able to hear them without shutting down and blocking them out. Did I feel hope? Yes I did.

I will continue to work on my recovery. The adversary wants my heart, mind and soul. I can't let him win. And I am pledging once again to keep fighting this battle.

Question Of The Day

My question that has been on my mind all day: What techniques and tools do you use to reach out for help when the temptation, cravings and urges are overpowering?  What words are best to use?

I am not good at letting anyone know when I need extra support. I needed extra help and support last night-late last night. I did some things that I thought was reaching out for help, but it was not enough and I did not have the courage I needed. Of course, talking to God is the best option. However, that didn't work last night either. I have been told that God answers prayers through others, and I have seen that in my life, but last night was not one of those nights. There were consequences.

Maybe I am meant to fight this addiction alone?

I am single and don't have a husband to reach out to for support and extra encouragement.

Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

I am so thankful for this world of recovery brothers and sisters!