It's been a week since I have last posted. This week has been a blur and I really can't remember too much. I feel like I am in the middle of a long, uphill climb and I cannot see my destination. It is foggy and cold and the trail is slippery with mud. I keep slipping and sliding down the hill. I always get back up and keep moving forward, but sometimes it takes me awhile to pick myself up and start again.
I am currently climbing upward, aware that I am not meeting the expectations of myself or of those closest to me. However, I am doing the best that I can at this exact moment. I wish that was enough. My personal, work, spiritual, emotional, physical and mental life are all demanding my attention right now, which is causing me to be triggered on so many levels. Those triggers influence how I deal with my addiction. And how I deal with life in general.
It is a tender mercy that there are other sisters that are blogging about their experiences with this addiction. It really helps to know I am not the only one who struggles. For so long, about 23 years, I truly thought I was crazy. I can see the beginnings of the addiction as early as 8 or 9 years old. By age 13 I had begun searching out sexual material. I am not blaming abuse for my sexual addiction, however, I am coming to understand the role sexual and emotional abuse have played in my life.
I feel the hope that many sisters have in overcoming the cycle of addiction. However, I know recovery lasts a lifetime. I wonder daily if I have it in me to stay in recovery for a lifetime. I do not know that answer right now. What I do know is that I need to stay mindfully present, keep myself in the moment, and focus on what I am doing right in my life. Today I am "clean" and for today, that is all that matters.
Don't worry about forever. Take it one day at a time. I used to do that when I first started recovery, wondering if I could do it forever. Just do it for today. You can do it today. And maybe tomorrow. :) Then, before you know it, it's forever! :) -Stacey
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. You are right...I just need to take it one day at a time. God doesn't expect anymore from us than that.
DeleteYou are doing the best you can do right now. And that is all God expects of us. Keep moving forward. Even if it's 1 inch at a time. Even if it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back, as long as your sights are forward you're golden.
ReplyDeleteLove ya lady. You're stronger than you think.
Love you too Annette!
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time...that's what we keep hearing right?
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you alive and bloggin' :)
I made it another day! Hope you did too. I wish I had time to blog more...maybe this summer! :)
DeleteLove you lady. Keep your chin up. The Lord is strengthening you through this trial.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am hoping to be really strong after this very long experience called "life". Thankfully I have blog friends and others who help me remember I am not alone. Thanks for being supportive.
Delete