I have thought about the comments I received on how to ask for help when I need it from this blog post. And if anyone else has any other thoughts about what works for them, please add comments. I have come to realize that the reason I have not taken that big step in asking for help in my "moments of decision" is because I do not believe I am worth someone's time or energy or thought. I do not believe that I should bother anyone. So I have held back in the moments when I really, truly need a hand to hold on to when prayer has not done the trick.
I went to my ARP meeting this week and was reminded that I need to be there (I missed last week because of how I was feeling). It wasn't necessarily what was said by the women in attendance, but it was the spirit that was there. These group meetings are where I feel the spirit the strongest. I struggle so much with being at church, but at ARP, I feel that I can be myself and that being myself is okay. I give myself permission to feel the spirit and it is calming. I still have tears of sadness and sorrow during group, but I feel that the spirit is teaching me through those tears. I feel supported even when I don't speak many words. And though the sisters do not necessarily know the depth of my struggles, they look at me with non-judgmental eyes and with their hearts. I appreciate that more than they will ever know.
I will continue to work on my recovery. The adversary wants my heart, mind and soul. I can't let him win. And I am pledging once again to keep fighting this battle.
My dear, you and I are close sisters in discovering recovery--meaning, we discovered this avenue at about the same time. I really believe there are certain stages that we all pass through that aren't exactly identical since we all have different backgrounds and triggers, but we will have some general emotions that are similar at different stages in recovery. I may be completely off base, but I have heard people talk about "the honeymoon stage" of recovery, and I definitely think that I experienced (or maybe still am experiencing) that. That is what I've ID'd as the first stage in recovery.
ReplyDeletePoint is, you write about having a hard time reaching out to people because you don't believe you're worth their time, etc... Can I say I get that?!? I hesitate to say I know exactly how you feel because I don't, but I think learning to reach out is just another one of those "awkward stages" that happens in recovery. And I'm sure at this point people like Sidreis have just figured that aspect out, but that once she had to discover and figure out what form of reaching out worked for her.
But in the mean time, shoot me an email iheartseattle.lds at gmail.com. I'll give you my number, we can be texting buddies. It's helpful and easy--and although I can't promise to respond immediately, I will.
On another note, I've totally got to get to an ARP meeting
Thanks so much! Your email is on its way now :)I agree that we don't know exactly how each of us feels, but we understand each other at a much deeper level than many other people in our lives. I love your perspective!
DeleteYay for your bishop helping you to feel hope :) that is a wonderful thing. I'm so happy you were able to make it to a meeting. I'm still here for you, love you tons.
ReplyDeleteThank you friend. Yes, so thankful for bishops that understand addiction and are not afraid to be bold but loving. I am grateful to have you as part of my support network. I am here for you too anytime. You know my number! :)
DeleteThanks for sharing your feelings :) I have been reading the book, "Confronting Pornography", and one of the authors talks about all of the people he has helped recovering from pornography addictions. He said there is no silver bullet and every person took different amounts of time to reach it, but the one thing in common is that none of them gave up.
ReplyDeleteThey fell, often hard, but they got back up and looked to Christ again, and in the end, their faith won out. Keep on keepin' on! :)