Recovery Update

Hello blogging friends! It's been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I needed a break to focus on my recovery, the start of the new school year, my emotional and spiritual health, as well as the regular adventures of life. I am back now and hope to be able to share some of the insights and strength I have gained over the past few months.

I have been attending my ARP meetings most weeks. I am thankful for these meetings, no matter how many woman are there. It is a place that I can go and feel the spirit for an hour. I am able to relax and focus on recovery through gospel principles. Next week will be my one year anniversary of attending meetings. I can't believe it has almost been a year since I entered those doors, terrified beyond belief. I am so grateful for the help of my dear friend who attended that first day with me and has continued to attend when she is able. What a strength, blessing and support she is in my life. 

The Addiction Recovery Program has been a strength to me in all aspects of my life, most especially spiritually. I do not know where I would be right now spiritually without this program. I am so thankful for the support and love from the women in the group and for the wonderful missionaries leading the program, especially Sister C. 

General Conference was a time for me to reflect. I was able to contemplate on the current situation in my life and those that have occurred in the past. It surprised me that some of the things that I thought would be talked about were not really mentioned at all. Then there were topics that were mentioned quite often. I hope to blog more about some of the talks after I read them and/or listen to them in the upcoming week. 

Elder Scott had some great thoughts about repentance, the difference between weaknesses and rebellion, and the atonement. Ah, I still have questions and a lack of understanding about these things. I desire to take his words and apply them to my life. I sincerely hope that repentance will bring relief and comfort in the healing of my soul. 

This week I celebrated a pretty big milestone (for me anyway) in the recovery process. I cannot even remember the last time I have been 100% clean for this length of time. It has been the loneliest, most difficult experience for me. Yet, at at the same time, I have felt an inner strength that I did not know I had. That feeling of strength has not always been there, but when it has, I have been so thankful. One week ago I came within seconds of throwing it all away. Somehow my "wise mind" kicked in and that strength filled my soul with no time to spare. I was able to crawl back into the safety of Christ's love. The struggle continues however. The temptations, cravings and desire are still very powerful at times. Though not nearly as often, which is a blessing. I am continuing to do whatever I have the strength to do, in those moments, to withstand the adversary and fill my soul with strength from God. 

Slow But Steady

I haven't blogged for a few weeks. My summer has been much busier than I was planning and so blogging as been put on the back burner. It is one of those things that I really enjoy doing, but is not a top priority when I have many other responsibilities and things that need to be done.

For some reason, I feel like I need to write a short little something before I fall asleep (it is already 2:00am). I have been doing remarkably well in the area of recovery (which is a surprise to me). I am not exactly sure what is different this time, but I am achieving the small goals for myself that are leading up to a big goal. It is the little steps forward that are making all the difference. Usually I jump into recovery so fast and try to sprint to the finish line. Now I realize that it really is, "Slow and steady wins the race."  If I keep working the steps slowly but constantly (and consistently), I will succeed better than if I rush through the steps really fast.  I really think the "slow and steady" part is what is making the difference for me. I have not been this "100% clean and sober" for a very long time.

I now have a quiet, inner strength that I have not had for a long time when it comes to recovery. I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops how many days of sobriety I have. But I do want to let others know that there is hope as you begin this journey. I have begun this journey many, many times throughout my life. Each time the journey is a bit different, with a variety of ups and downs. Lots of downs actually. My journey today includes God, prayer, the 12 steps, the Addiction Recovery Program, the gospel principles (included with ARP), service, a calling in the ward, my bishop, my therapists, my support network, my best friend, other friends who don't even know about my recovery process, realistic goals....and so many other things.

So now I will go to bed and rest, so that I am ready for another challenging day tomorrow. No day is easy for me. I do the make the choice to push myself and be courageous. There is hope that maybe some day my hopes and dreams can come true if I keep taking small and steady steps forward....moving towards my eternal goals.

The Serenity Prayer

For the last week or so I have been really thinking about the Serenity Prayer. I have been trying to understand these words and accept them into my belief system. I am sure other's must think, "These words are simple; of course you can accept them". Well, nothing is really simple in my mind these days.

One thing I have learned through this recovery process and in strengthening my testimony is that in the past, I blindly accepted spiritual things. I did that for 36 years (yes, I am 36 years old). I put no thought or inquiry into the process of having a testimony. I just accepted everyone else's and did not question anything. EVER. I was numb inside my soul due to many factors, addiction playing a small role, but not the underlying issue. My addictions were being used to keep me numb. This was just one of many self-destructive behaviors that I had. I didn't want to feel because it hurt too much. I was in so much pain spiritually, physically and emotionally. By just accepting what I was being taught at church, I didn't have to think or process for myself.

In the past year, that has completely changed due so many factors. I now think for myself and question things to discover the truth. I am now feeling and processing and experiencing recovery on so many levels, in all areas of my life. I have really needed to hold on to the concept of COURAGE to make these life changes. That is why I love the Serenity Prayer so much. It speaks to my soul. I am changing in a lot of ways, through various means, and I need God's help for these changes to be eternal changes. I need COURAGE to change the things that I can. There are several things I cannot change and I am struggling to find serenity in that. But I am working on it. Those closest to me say they see great progress and that wonderful changes are taking place in me. I might not recognize those changes as clearly as they do, however, I do know that God has granted me SERENITY, COURAGE and WISDOM.

Today I was driving home from an experience that took courage on my part and humility to accept the help. I had 2 sweet little boys in the back seat that I am working with this summer and they were singing away. They were making me smile. As I drove away from this location, I started crying. They were tears of gratitude for God, for the gospel, for friends and for an inspired bishop. And then it hit me, (well, really the Holy Ghost spoke to my heart) that I have experienced heavy, deep, difficult challenges this past 12 months and God has seen me through them. He has provided ways for me to walk through the dark, even when I thought my life was ending. I am still walking in the dark, but I have so many more tools and resources and support than a year or two or three ago. I said a silent prayer to God to thank Him for not deserting me. I even felt for a moment that "I can do hard things through Christ the Lord" because I have been doing them for 36 years due to the journey of my life.

My recovery is not about sexual addiction. Yes, I struggle with that and I am working recovery for that struggle. However, the true reason I am working recovery is to heal a severely damaged and broken heart, mind and soul. I am in recovery to know that I have infinite worth, that I matter and that there is a plan for me. The Serenity Prayer provides me with hope as I travel down the road of recovery. It gives me the courage to change false beliefs to eternal truths and to feel the hope and peace of God's love.

Message of Hope

Today at church I was sitting through the meeting trying to push away the intense feelings of sadness. As the tears started coming, my dear friend reached into her purse and pulled out a little piece of paper. She handed it to me to me to read. She whispered that she was reading a book this morning when these words in the story popped out at her and she wrote them down for me. She brought the paper to church, saving it for the right moment, when she knew I needed to feel some hope and encouragement. 

This kindness and thoughtfulness touched me even more than the words on the paper themselves. It is little things (big to me) like this that bring positive emotions into my soul and strengthen my resolve to keep fighting this fight. This tender mercy today filled me with a calmness that God is aware of me. 

Here are the words that were on the paper:
Richard Paul Evans (from his book "The Looking Glass")

"Our false beliefs can be a chain to our souls. Only if we hold on to who we truly are can we be free."

"We are worthy - 
Worthy of life.
Worthy of love.
Worthy of kindness and gentleness.
We are NOT some mistake of God or nature."

I could write for hours about these words. But maybe another day. I struggle with so many false beliefs, with chains and with feeling "worthy" of anything. However, today I felt a small taste of what feeling "worthy" of love, kindness and gentleness is like when my friend reached out to me in her Christ-like way to let me know I am not alone and that there is hope. 

I hope these words bring others hope too, for we are all trying to be free and to believe we are worthy of life, love, kindness and gentleness. 

Insights I Gained From ARP Tonight.

Does any of this sound or feel familiar?

-Many who have suffered from addiction feel a sense of isolation.
-Many who have suffered have kept many things to themselves-shameful things, embarrassing things, heartbreaking things, things that make them feel vulnerable.

I can relate to these things so strongly right now. They come straight from the ARP manual at the beginning of Step 5. Tonight in my ARP group we were focused on Step 5. Interestingly enough, even though I am not on Step 5 yet officially, I feel that this message is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. 

I needed to be reminded that my feelings of isolation are part of this experience. And I am not alone in these feelings. And yes, I am keeping certain things to myself that are shameful and make me feel vulnerable...but I am only keeping them to myself when appropriate. I have not kept them from the Lord, my bishop or my therapists. Sharing those things with group members or others in my life would not be appropriate for me (My best friend knows quite a bit too - she is that "extremely trustworthy person in word and deed" it talks about in Step 5).

I think it is interesting that the manual says (in Step 5) we confess to the Lord, the bishop if necessary and a "trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs".  Nowhere in this step does it say I need to disclose my wrongs to my family, friends, ward members, co-workers or acquaintances. 

Of course, if I have hurt them, I need to apologize and seek forgiveness. In fact, that is taken care of in Step 8 when I seek forgiveness from those I have harmed and I am willing to make restitution to them. Then in Step 9,  I take the step to make that restitution to others if possible.  I love what is says in Step 9 about making amends, "If they give you the chance to apologize, be brief and specific about the situation you remember. Details are not necessary. The purpose is not to explain or describe your side of things." 

Wow...that is powerful stuff. I love how all the steps tie together so smoothly. I am humbled by the gentle nudges that the Addiction Recovery Program provides for my path to healing. This path of healing is different for every single person, however, the guidelines are the same. 

I am thankful that the Lord has set forth the guidelines to help me be successful in my recovery so that it can bring a complete change to my heart and my life. I know that as I ask the Lord for help, He will give me courage and strength. I need courage and strength right now as I work the steps, strive to make good choices in all areas of my life, and look for ways to serve others. I can't imagine overcoming this addiction and the challenges in the other areas of my life without the gospel principles and without the love of God. 

Tender Mercies of Today

I don't have a lot of words tonight but there is so much on my mind. I had a good day today with several tender mercies. Some of those tender mercies included:
*Breakfast with 2 of my friends.
*Peaceful morning.
*Talking on the phone to best friend to make plans for tomorrow.
*Amazing spiritual conversation with one of my therapists (yes, he is LDS). I asked some deep questions about my life in the session and he answered them with inspired wisdom and understanding. The spirit was strong and I was reminded how blessed I am to have had this person in my life for the past 5 years.
*Anxiety free day. This in itself is a miracle.
*Phone conversation with my other therapist that turned spiritual also. She is not LDS, but is a person I respect and admire because of her deep faith in God. Today my conversation with her reminded me of how God puts people in our lives because He loves us.
*Best friend came over this evening for a bit and we had such a good conversation. It too was filled with spiritual upliftment and a silent reminder to me how richly blessed my life is because she is in it. God must love me.
*Today I hit my first goal in recovery days. It feels good to know I have met my goal for being clean "X" amount of days. I have the rest of my life to go, but breaking it up into small recovery goals makes the journey so much more doable.
*I am looking forward to tomorrow....movie with best friend, ward dutch-oven dinner activity and getting some things done at home.
*Things are hard right now....I am experiencing some difficult life things....but I am strong and courageous and God is blessing me. He is giving me strength and courage and faith and encouraging me to trust the process. And because I am trusting the process and working hard, God is showing me that I can have light in my life.

Courage To See Myself As God Sees Me

I had my ARP group tonight. I had not been for 2 weeks for various reasons, mainly the end of the school year and wrapping up teaching activities. I also was struggling going alone, without my best friend, who is so awesome and supports me by attending when she can. She gains so much from the meetings too because of it's wonderful spiritual nature. Having her attend with me gives me courage to walk through those doors and to face the reality of my addiction. I have gone quite a few times by myself, but lately I have really been struggling with anxiety and shame, so attending things alone has been more difficult. I am grateful for her friendship, love, support and testimony. Tonight she was able to attend with me. I was able to walk through those doors with more courage because I was not alone. 

To me, ARP is the most spiritual activity of my week. The group I attend has the most amazing women. They have struggled so much but have stayed close to the Savior and have built amazing relationships with Him. Despite the struggles, the have worked hard to listen to the spirit and to act on difficult promptings. I am in awe of their testimonies. I am thankful that I am able to hear and feel their testimonies of the atonement each week. They strengthen me more than they will ever know. 

Due to my quiet nature, I am not one to share a lot about myself.  As I get stronger in the recovery process and in my feelings of worth, I hope to be more vocal about my journey. Tonight in group, we were on Step 4: Truth. There were several parts of the reading that hit me, but one in particular really struck a nerve inside me due to my intense feelings of self-hatred and delusional worthlessness.  It said, "As you gather courage to see yourself as you really are, God will open your eyes, and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you - as one of His children with a divine birthright. Take this step, and keep your eyes on the birthright."

This statement says it takes COURAGE to see yourself as you really are. I wrote about courage just the other day in my last blog entry. I know I have courage, but I never thought of using courage to see myself differently that I do right now. I have some pretty concrete beliefs, that I consider truths, of who I am (and it is not the same way God supposedly sees me). I have asked God to open my eyes to see myself as He does, but I have not found that light .... yet. I am working on it harder than anyone even knows. I think some people think I have given up trying, but I never have. Now I know I need to practice more courage. COURAGE. I want to see myself differently. I want to feel peace about who I am. As I continue to work the steps, I hope this part of me will gradually change and I can feel peace and love for myself. 

In this step, it says, "The encouragement and support of others who understand recovery can help you in your efforts."  I am so thankful for the support of others in my life because they are truly encouraging me and cheering me on.  Sometimes they are right there and I can hear them loud and clear. Other times I know they are near, but I can't see them or hear them. But I know they are still encouraging me and that they believe in me. That is how God is too. Sometimes He is right there and sometimes He seems far away. I struggle so much with trusting Him and believing He is there, but I can't deny the blessings He has given me. More often then not, I know He is there cheering me on because he has placed angels in my life who help me get back up when I fall down. They are an answer to my prayers. God must love me if He has blessed me with these amazing men and women. 

My Life Takes Courage!

Early this morning I woke up and started writing in one of my other blogs where I use my real name. It was some pretty intense writing about how my life takes courage. I felt it was very appropriate to share what I wrote on this blog. I know my life takes courage to keep going and I know your life does too! Keep practicing that courage.....they are spectacular rewards on the other side! :)

I saw this quote today and wanted to share it. Courage is my favorite word these days. It takes more courage than even I imagine I have to move forward daily in my life. 

It takes courage to get up in the morning. It takes courage to go to bed at night. It takes courage to go to work every day. It takes courage to breathe. It takes courage to trust God. It takes courage to fight constantly with the false beliefs I have. It takes courage to swallow my medications morning and night. It takes courage to tackle my anxiety and not let it rule my life. It takes courage to be real. It takes courage to go to individual and group counseling. It takes courage to look inside myself and see my weaknesses. It takes courage to trust others. 

It takes courage to attend church each week. It takes courage to see family and friends. It takes courage to drive places in my car. It takes courage to be a friend. It takes courage to talk to God. It takes courage to have faith. It takes courage to believe in myself. It takes courage to continue living each day. It takes courage to fight against the darkness. It takes courage to trust the process. It takes courage to believe that others care. It takes courage to ignore the rumors and stares from others. It takes courage to be alone. It takes courage to face my fears. It takes courage to accept that my life is difficult. It takes courage to have faith that everything will work out. It takes courage to believe that life is worth living. It takes courage to look at the sun. It takes courage to talk about my emotions. It takes courage to talk about the future. It takes courage to read the scriptures. It takes courage to access the priesthood. It takes courage to talk to my bishop. 

It takes courage to listen to God. It takes courage to believe that I have worth. It takes courage to be patient. It takes courage to believe things will work out. It takes courage to focus on the positives. It takes courage to give hugs. It takes courage to handle the rejection by others. It takes courage to accept life as it is. It takes courage to accept the atonement. It takes courage to open up to others. It takes courage to be emotionally sensitive. It takes courage to make myself worthy for the temple. It takes courage to try new forms of therapy. It takes courage to feel. It takes courage to be my real self. It takes courage to be different. It takes courage to be willing. It takes courage to be mindfully present. It takes courage to ask for forgiveness. It takes courage to ride the wave of emotions. It takes courage to ask for blessings. It takes courage to think deeply about life. It takes courage to act on the counsel from my bishop.

It takes courage to believe in myself. It takes courage to know that God knows best. It takes courage to be patient in God's timing. It takes courage to open up about my character flaws. It takes courage to blog about my life. It takes courage to be honest with myself and others. It takes courage to learn from the past to make a brighter future. It takes courage to not self-harm. It takes courage to listen to the prophet. It takes courage to not act out. It takes courage to quit a good job and go back to school. It takes courage to tackle an unknown future. It takes courage to be who I really am. It takes courage to not be married. It takes courage to say how things really are. It takes courage to hurt.

It takes courage to be hopeful. It takes courage to love. It takes courage to pray. It takes courage to make my life right with the Lord. It takes courage to not turn to my addictions for relief. It takes courage to use the 12 step program to become a better person. It takes courage to turn my life over to God. It takes courage to accept God's will. It takes courage to deny the cravings. It takes courage to not hurt others. It takes courage to try new things. It takes courage to read a book. It takes courage to serve others. It takes courage to accept the love of others. It takes courage to be mindful. It takes courage to not view the images of the world. It takes courage to smile at others. It takes courage to have relationships. It takes courage to admit I was wrong. It takes courage to have hope. It takes courage to face my fears. It takes courage to feel the pain. It takes courage to feel joy. It takes courage to not believe the philosophies of men. 

It takes courage to have a testimony. It takes courage to ask for help. It takes courage to not hide. It takes courage to stand in holy places. It takes courage to live my beliefs. It takes courage to not disappear. It takes courage to live. It takes courage to not act on the dark thoughts. It takes courage to look for the positives. It takes courage to believe my life has a purpose. It takes courage to know that I matter. It takes courage to ignore the adversary. It takes courage to repent. It takes courage to not believe the world. It takes courage to set boundaries. It takes courage to listen to the Holy Ghost. 

It takes courage to take baby steps forward. It takes courage to love others. It takes courage to not be hurt by the ones that I love. It takes courage to be aware. It takes courage to use cognitive behavior skills. It takes courage to not kill myself. It takes courage to focus on the light. It takes courage to accept myself. It takes courage to enjoy life. It takes courage to write all these things down and to think even more things that I didn't write down. 

MY LIFE TAKES COURAGE!

June Is My Month of Courage

Life. It sure has it's ups and down. And sometimes its downs are really down. But somehow, no matter how low I get, I am able to rise above it and function on a pretty high level. It's really tough, but I do it day after day after day. 

I told one of my therapists the other day that I wish I could stand on top of a mountain and yell so the whole world could hear me.....I AM DOING IT! I HAVE NEVER GIVEN UP! I KEEP PUTTING FORTH EFFORT EVERY SINGLE DAY. I AM TRYING AND WORKING AND BECOMING A BETTER PERSON. QUIT JUDGING ME. I AM DIFFERENT THAN I USED TO BE BUT IT IS GOOD. I AM A BETTER HUMAN BEING AND STRONGER AND KINDER AND HONEST AND MORE COMPASSIONATE. 

Oh, how I wish I could say all those things to the people that have turned their backs on me.

But it really doesn't matter because I know I am a better person than I have ever been. So despite the difficult month of June (grandmother passing, end of school year and having to say goodbye to my students, financial worries, depression, addiction, lack of sleep, etc) I have continued to live and move forward. I have been clean all month and I feel hopeful for my continued recovery.

I love this quote by President Monson.  He said, "Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve. Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. “Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’" (Living the Abundant Life)

COURAGE is my favorite word. I love quotes about courage. I feel I live my life with courage every single day. No one knows the amount of courage it takes me to live each day. God knows though and that is what matters. He knows the amount of courage it takes for me to take one step, two steps and sometimes thousands of steps a day to live a life worth living. Thank goodness for second and third and endless chances and the opportunity to make that extra effort.

I know this week and this month has taken a greater amount of courage for me in all areas of my life. And I feel good knowing that I lived this week with courage and that I am being blessed because of my efforts and because I have not given up. I am so blessed that God has not given up on me and that I have special people in my life who have not given up either. I know they believe in me and love me unconditionally.

Endure It Patiently

A few weeks back in my ARP group, I was touched by this quote that was shared. It is all about  affliction. We are all going through some kind of affliction whether it be our addiction, or some other trial in life. This quote helps me to keep an eternal perspective on the many afflictions I have right now. I wanted to share this powerful quote with all of you.

Orson F. Whitney, quoted in Spencer W. Kimball's Faith Proceeds the Miracle, page 98:

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God...and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father in Heaven."

Quietly Working the Steps

I have not written for quite a while due to the craziness and busyness of my life as a teacher. Thursday was the last day of school,, so maybe (that's a big maybe) my life will slow down a tad bit. I don't know if it will, but it's worth a try. I just keeping "one day at a time".

I have thought a lot of about some of the things that have transpired in my life in the last few weeks. I have wondered if any of the events are connected to my addiction. After deep thought, I have felt that only a few of them have a connection. And really, it's because of the events that my addiction even pops us. It is easy to blame so much on the addiction or the addictive personality, but in reality (for me), the addiction is just a symptom of a much larger problem. And the addiction is not the overwhelming symptom, it really just sits there in the darkness and pops up when it is convenient.

This addiction is not who I am and is not the consuming factor in my life. My life is filled with many, many things and I have overcome much bigger mountains than this addiction. I am climbing a very big mountain right now, with several smaller mountains at the top of this big peak, that I working on conquering. Does everyone need to know the details of this mountain? No. The ones that need to know or that I share with it with, are my bishop, my therapists and my closest friends. I appreciate the outside support of encouragement, but I realize we are all have mountains to climb and we all need different levels of support.

I am working very hard on the steps, even though I have not written about it on my blog for a few weeks. I am doing what I need to do to feel good about my ability to climb my mountains. I am thankful for those that have reached out to me with words of encouragement. My grandma died due to old age last week and it was a blessing to hear from some of my recovery buddies. It's nice to have recovery buddies. My goal in life has never been to be popular. My goal has been to be honest and real and not overly dramatic to draw attention to myself. I do not like to have the attention turned toward me. I am an introvert by nature (except when I am teaching my students), so you will not find me doing things to make people notice me.

I will continue to write quietly on this blog and reach out to others who need extra encouragement. I appreciate those that reach out to me and comment on my blog and try to get to know me. I know I think on a deeper level on some things when it comes to life and meaning and purpose and addiction. I know that through the 12 step program, there is hope in recovery.

Working Recovery

I am working recovery, just like my blog name says. It is so hard. I have moments of success and I  have moments of weakness. I have not given up but I am disappointed in myself. And that disappointment hurts more than knowing you have disappointed God, the Savior, the bishop and your best friend.

I have not watched pornography for over 2 months. I am trying to not count days right now as I was getting caught up in that whole idea of basing my worth on how many days I have been clean. However, I will say that it is getting easier to not watch it or even think about it. It's the other part of the addiction. The big "M" word that is killing me. I asked some pretty blunt questions to my bishop tonight regarding this. I appreciated his response because even though he does not know the answer to my tough question, he didn't just make something up. He was honest with me and encouraged me to keep asking the questions instead of getting upset, frustrated, discouraged and turning away from the Lord. He said he wants me to ask the hard questions, even if he doesn't know the answers. I respected him for saying that and I feel like I can go to him with some of my other hard questions.

I am dealing with some other difficult things in my life right now, which is causing me to trigger even more into this addiction. It helps numb the pain I am feeling. I am in intense counseling for several areas of my life, which is extremely helpful. However, the best thing for me is to stay close to the Lord, strive to feel His spirit, keep going to church, exercise faith and try with all my might to keep the influence of Satan out of my life. I am doing the best that I can, which is an awful lot right now, and I hope it is enough to keep me moving forward in a positive direction.

The Uphill Climb

It's been a week since I have last posted. This week has been a blur and I really can't remember  too much. I feel like I am in the middle of a long, uphill climb and I cannot see my destination. It is foggy and cold and the trail is slippery with mud. I keep slipping and sliding down the hill. I always get back up and keep moving forward, but sometimes it takes me awhile to pick myself up and start again.

I am currently climbing upward, aware that I am not meeting the expectations of myself or of those closest to me. However, I am doing the best that I can at this exact moment. I wish that was enough. My personal, work, spiritual, emotional, physical and mental life are all demanding my attention right now, which is causing me to be triggered on so many levels. Those triggers influence how I deal with my addiction. And how I deal with life in general. 

It is a tender mercy that there are other sisters that are blogging about their experiences with this addiction. It really helps to know I am not the only one who struggles. For so long, about 23 years, I truly thought I was crazy. I can see the beginnings of the addiction as early as 8 or 9 years old. By age 13 I had begun searching out sexual material. I am not blaming abuse for my sexual addiction, however, I am coming to understand the role sexual and emotional abuse have played in my life. 

I feel the hope that many sisters have in overcoming the cycle of addiction. However, I know recovery lasts a lifetime. I wonder daily if I have it in me to stay in recovery for a lifetime. I do not know that answer right now. What I do know is that I need to stay mindfully present, keep myself in the moment, and focus on what I am doing right in my life. Today I am "clean" and for today, that is all that matters.

Doing the Best I Can

Life keeps moving fast and I am having a hard time keeping up. The challenge of this addiction is difficult and I wonder each minute if I am up for that challenge. I truly do not know the answer to that right now. I see my hopes and dreams damaged and ruined, never to come back.

I went to ARP this week where we read and talked about the Introduction in the manual. If you have not read and studied the Introduction, I highly recommend it. There is one sentence that really hit me. It says, "No matter how lost and hopeless you may feel, you are the child of a loving Heavenly Father". I am really struggling to believe this, but I am willing to keep moving forward and to try to understand what it means to me.

I am struggling. With every single aspect of my life. I do not believe in creating an image of perfection or that everything is going well when it is not. I am real. I am human. I am imperfect. I am trying hard. I talked to one of my therapists on the phone today. She asked me to say one positive thing about myself about something from this day. Here is what I said to her, "I am doing the best that I can today with how I am feeling". Doing the best I can at this moment has to be enough because it is all I can do right now.

This Experience Is A Roller Coaster

I haven't blogged for a week. Mainly because I am not sure what to write because of the kind of week the past week has brought me. I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions, thoughts and experiences. One minute I am doing relatively well and feeling stable in my quest for recovery. The next minute I am feeling hopeless and lost.

I have thought about the comments I received on how to ask for help when I need it from this blog post. And if anyone else has any other thoughts about what works for them, please add comments. I have come to realize that the reason I have not taken that big step in asking for help in my "moments of decision" is because I do not believe I am worth someone's time or energy or thought. I do not believe that I should bother anyone. So I have held back in the moments when I really, truly need a hand to hold on to when prayer has not done the trick.

I went to my ARP meeting this week and was reminded that I need to be there (I missed last week because of how I was feeling). It wasn't necessarily what was said by the women in attendance, but it was the spirit that was there. These group meetings are where I feel the spirit the strongest. I struggle so much with being at church, but at ARP, I feel that I can be myself and that being myself is okay. I give myself permission to feel the spirit and it is calming. I still have tears of sadness and sorrow during group, but I feel that the spirit is teaching me through those tears. I feel supported even when I don't speak many words. And though the sisters do not necessarily know the depth of my struggles, they look at me with non-judgmental eyes and with their hearts. I appreciate that more than they will ever know.

I met with my bishop this week. I thought I would be going into his office and would be "beat up". I have slipped in some aspects of this addiction and needed my spiritual adviser to guide me and share the words that the Savior would have me hear. Instead of being "beat up", I felt LIFTED UP and LOVED. Did I want to hear all the words he said? Not at all, but the words were said with love and compassion. Were they easy to hear? Not at all, but I was able to hear them without shutting down and blocking them out. Did I feel hope? Yes I did.

I will continue to work on my recovery. The adversary wants my heart, mind and soul. I can't let him win. And I am pledging once again to keep fighting this battle.

Question Of The Day

My question that has been on my mind all day: What techniques and tools do you use to reach out for help when the temptation, cravings and urges are overpowering?  What words are best to use?

I am not good at letting anyone know when I need extra support. I needed extra help and support last night-late last night. I did some things that I thought was reaching out for help, but it was not enough and I did not have the courage I needed. Of course, talking to God is the best option. However, that didn't work last night either. I have been told that God answers prayers through others, and I have seen that in my life, but last night was not one of those nights. There were consequences.

Maybe I am meant to fight this addiction alone?

I am single and don't have a husband to reach out to for support and extra encouragement.

Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated.

I am so thankful for this world of recovery brothers and sisters!

My Sunday Evening Thoughts!

This weekend was Stake Conference. Well, really it was a Regional Conference because it was a broadcast from Salt Lake City today. There were 49 stakes in my area that received the broadcast.  

Last night was the adult session, where my Stake Presidency spoke. They gave good talks, but what impressed me the most was the musical numbers that we had. I felt the spirit and was reminded how much I love gospel music. I was very blessed to go to conference with my best friend and her husband. He is also the bishop of my ward. 

When conference was over, they invited me to their house to play cards. We have a favorite card game we play together often. I love, love, love spending time at their home. To me, their home is the most peaceful, spirit-filled place in my life at this time. I do not have a temple recommend currently (getting closer every day) and when I am in their home, I feel Christ's love stronger than any other place. Elder Scott described their home perfectly in General Conference this month. He said, "As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a Christ-centered home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept, and love abounds." This describes their home and it is a great blessing to me that I am able to spend time with them in this Christ-centered home. And by the way, I did not win the game. Bishop won....he came from behind and beat us bad!

Today's broadcast was really good and I felt the spirit. Sunday's are hard for me and church is especially difficult at times. I struggle with my feelings of self-worth more at church than any other place. I am working on making church a more positive experience and I feel that I am getting stronger each week as I attend. I was thankful to attend today's session with my dear friends again and sit with them. It helps so much to not have to worry about sitting alone or finding a seat. It is comforting to sit next to someone who knows ME and loves ME and accepts ME. 

Each of the talks was excellent and I gained something from each of them. I also kept track of how often they mentioned pornography. It ended up only being two times by name, but it hit me hard each of those two times. Elder Nash said "Avoid pornography like a plague. Do not touch it. If you have, repent."  His talked referred to the Brother of Jared, so there were a lot of boat analogies. One of them things he said that I liked was, "Don't jump off the boat into the sea of sin".  He also said, "Don't have a shipwrecked soul".

Elder Osguthrope had a really good line that impacted me. He said, "Faith in the future brings the future about". Wow...that thought could also be turned the other way if you don't have faith. I am trying to live my life with faith so that my future can be bright. Right now it feels scary and emotional and painful. But I have moments where the light comes in and I feel the Savior's love and it gives me hope for my future.

Elder Hales talk was powerful, inspired and full of doctrine. He talked a lot about Prayer, Family Home Evening and Family Council. Being single in the gospel, I was trying to make connections to my own life and ways I can incorporate the "family message" to my own personal life. I was reminded to pray often and with gratitude. He also told us to plan our lives with purpose. That is what I am trying to do...have a purpose in life. For so long my purpose was just to survive each day. But I am ready to actually live and find meaning in my life. My favorite part of his talk was when he said there are no halves and halve nots in the gospel. Ahhhh...such a good reminder that no one is better than anyone else. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remember that I am not such a horrible person and that my neighbor is not loved anymore than I am. His talk brought me to tears when he talked specifically to the single women in the audience and the women whose lives are not how they imagined them to be. I couldn't hold the tears back because my heart aches so much. I felt loved, mixed with a deep sadness, to hear an apostle of the Lord speak to women like me.

Overall, today has been a good day. The best Sunday I have had in quite sometime. I am humbled by the experiences of the weekend and grateful for another day of sobriety. Late last night the temptation became almost overpowering, but I was able to work through it and not let Satan have his way. I don't want him to have any power over me and so I continue to work recovery by applying the gospel principles. 

Here's to another week filled with faith, hope, courage and strength!
                                                          ***Day 31***