Courage To See Myself As God Sees Me

I had my ARP group tonight. I had not been for 2 weeks for various reasons, mainly the end of the school year and wrapping up teaching activities. I also was struggling going alone, without my best friend, who is so awesome and supports me by attending when she can. She gains so much from the meetings too because of it's wonderful spiritual nature. Having her attend with me gives me courage to walk through those doors and to face the reality of my addiction. I have gone quite a few times by myself, but lately I have really been struggling with anxiety and shame, so attending things alone has been more difficult. I am grateful for her friendship, love, support and testimony. Tonight she was able to attend with me. I was able to walk through those doors with more courage because I was not alone. 

To me, ARP is the most spiritual activity of my week. The group I attend has the most amazing women. They have struggled so much but have stayed close to the Savior and have built amazing relationships with Him. Despite the struggles, the have worked hard to listen to the spirit and to act on difficult promptings. I am in awe of their testimonies. I am thankful that I am able to hear and feel their testimonies of the atonement each week. They strengthen me more than they will ever know. 

Due to my quiet nature, I am not one to share a lot about myself.  As I get stronger in the recovery process and in my feelings of worth, I hope to be more vocal about my journey. Tonight in group, we were on Step 4: Truth. There were several parts of the reading that hit me, but one in particular really struck a nerve inside me due to my intense feelings of self-hatred and delusional worthlessness.  It said, "As you gather courage to see yourself as you really are, God will open your eyes, and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you - as one of His children with a divine birthright. Take this step, and keep your eyes on the birthright."

This statement says it takes COURAGE to see yourself as you really are. I wrote about courage just the other day in my last blog entry. I know I have courage, but I never thought of using courage to see myself differently that I do right now. I have some pretty concrete beliefs, that I consider truths, of who I am (and it is not the same way God supposedly sees me). I have asked God to open my eyes to see myself as He does, but I have not found that light .... yet. I am working on it harder than anyone even knows. I think some people think I have given up trying, but I never have. Now I know I need to practice more courage. COURAGE. I want to see myself differently. I want to feel peace about who I am. As I continue to work the steps, I hope this part of me will gradually change and I can feel peace and love for myself. 

In this step, it says, "The encouragement and support of others who understand recovery can help you in your efforts."  I am so thankful for the support of others in my life because they are truly encouraging me and cheering me on.  Sometimes they are right there and I can hear them loud and clear. Other times I know they are near, but I can't see them or hear them. But I know they are still encouraging me and that they believe in me. That is how God is too. Sometimes He is right there and sometimes He seems far away. I struggle so much with trusting Him and believing He is there, but I can't deny the blessings He has given me. More often then not, I know He is there cheering me on because he has placed angels in my life who help me get back up when I fall down. They are an answer to my prayers. God must love me if He has blessed me with these amazing men and women.