I Have a Long Way To Go - But I Am Far From Where I Used To Be

I have taken a long break from blogging. For a variety of reasons. One of those reasons is because there are not enough hours in the day to get all the things done that I need to. But I am on spring break this week & have some down time to think about other things besides teaching.

Despite being extremely busy with my teaching career, I continue to attend the Addiction Recovery Program support meetings each Wednesday night. I am in awe with the sisters that attend & share their personal experiences. Their testimonies & faith, while in the midst of extremely difficult situations, are a strength to me.

I  really like this picture at the top of this post. I printed it on colored paper & posted it in my bedroom so that I can see it every day. It reminds me to be proud of how far I have come in the past year. I have a long way to go ... a lifetime actually ... and I hope I can stay on the path that will lead me to an eternal life of joy. 

I am in a continual struggle between good & evil, light & darkness, joy & pain, peace & depression, life & death, sobriety & addiction, and other words that don't need to be added to this blog. I really do feel like there are monsters in my head sometimes. The addiction component of my life is extremely challenging, but what is even more challenging to me is my emotional health (my mind, heart & soul).

I am thankful for the Addiction Recovery Program that brings a spiritual foundation, guidance & structure into my life journey. Having Christ as the center of this program reminds me where my focus should be.

I am slowly learning to believe in myself. To trust myself. And to trust the Savior. I have a long way to go, but I am far from where I used to be. 

Recovery Update

Hello blogging friends! It's been 2 months since I last wrote on this blog. I needed a break to focus on my recovery, the start of the new school year, my emotional and spiritual health, as well as the regular adventures of life. I am back now and hope to be able to share some of the insights and strength I have gained over the past few months.

I have been attending my ARP meetings most weeks. I am thankful for these meetings, no matter how many woman are there. It is a place that I can go and feel the spirit for an hour. I am able to relax and focus on recovery through gospel principles. Next week will be my one year anniversary of attending meetings. I can't believe it has almost been a year since I entered those doors, terrified beyond belief. I am so grateful for the help of my dear friend who attended that first day with me and has continued to attend when she is able. What a strength, blessing and support she is in my life. 

The Addiction Recovery Program has been a strength to me in all aspects of my life, most especially spiritually. I do not know where I would be right now spiritually without this program. I am so thankful for the support and love from the women in the group and for the wonderful missionaries leading the program, especially Sister C. 

General Conference was a time for me to reflect. I was able to contemplate on the current situation in my life and those that have occurred in the past. It surprised me that some of the things that I thought would be talked about were not really mentioned at all. Then there were topics that were mentioned quite often. I hope to blog more about some of the talks after I read them and/or listen to them in the upcoming week. 

Elder Scott had some great thoughts about repentance, the difference between weaknesses and rebellion, and the atonement. Ah, I still have questions and a lack of understanding about these things. I desire to take his words and apply them to my life. I sincerely hope that repentance will bring relief and comfort in the healing of my soul. 

This week I celebrated a pretty big milestone (for me anyway) in the recovery process. I cannot even remember the last time I have been 100% clean for this length of time. It has been the loneliest, most difficult experience for me. Yet, at at the same time, I have felt an inner strength that I did not know I had. That feeling of strength has not always been there, but when it has, I have been so thankful. One week ago I came within seconds of throwing it all away. Somehow my "wise mind" kicked in and that strength filled my soul with no time to spare. I was able to crawl back into the safety of Christ's love. The struggle continues however. The temptations, cravings and desire are still very powerful at times. Though not nearly as often, which is a blessing. I am continuing to do whatever I have the strength to do, in those moments, to withstand the adversary and fill my soul with strength from God. 

Slow But Steady

I haven't blogged for a few weeks. My summer has been much busier than I was planning and so blogging as been put on the back burner. It is one of those things that I really enjoy doing, but is not a top priority when I have many other responsibilities and things that need to be done.

For some reason, I feel like I need to write a short little something before I fall asleep (it is already 2:00am). I have been doing remarkably well in the area of recovery (which is a surprise to me). I am not exactly sure what is different this time, but I am achieving the small goals for myself that are leading up to a big goal. It is the little steps forward that are making all the difference. Usually I jump into recovery so fast and try to sprint to the finish line. Now I realize that it really is, "Slow and steady wins the race."  If I keep working the steps slowly but constantly (and consistently), I will succeed better than if I rush through the steps really fast.  I really think the "slow and steady" part is what is making the difference for me. I have not been this "100% clean and sober" for a very long time.

I now have a quiet, inner strength that I have not had for a long time when it comes to recovery. I don't feel like I need to shout it from the rooftops how many days of sobriety I have. But I do want to let others know that there is hope as you begin this journey. I have begun this journey many, many times throughout my life. Each time the journey is a bit different, with a variety of ups and downs. Lots of downs actually. My journey today includes God, prayer, the 12 steps, the Addiction Recovery Program, the gospel principles (included with ARP), service, a calling in the ward, my bishop, my therapists, my support network, my best friend, other friends who don't even know about my recovery process, realistic goals....and so many other things.

So now I will go to bed and rest, so that I am ready for another challenging day tomorrow. No day is easy for me. I do the make the choice to push myself and be courageous. There is hope that maybe some day my hopes and dreams can come true if I keep taking small and steady steps forward....moving towards my eternal goals.

The Serenity Prayer

For the last week or so I have been really thinking about the Serenity Prayer. I have been trying to understand these words and accept them into my belief system. I am sure other's must think, "These words are simple; of course you can accept them". Well, nothing is really simple in my mind these days.

One thing I have learned through this recovery process and in strengthening my testimony is that in the past, I blindly accepted spiritual things. I did that for 36 years (yes, I am 36 years old). I put no thought or inquiry into the process of having a testimony. I just accepted everyone else's and did not question anything. EVER. I was numb inside my soul due to many factors, addiction playing a small role, but not the underlying issue. My addictions were being used to keep me numb. This was just one of many self-destructive behaviors that I had. I didn't want to feel because it hurt too much. I was in so much pain spiritually, physically and emotionally. By just accepting what I was being taught at church, I didn't have to think or process for myself.

In the past year, that has completely changed due so many factors. I now think for myself and question things to discover the truth. I am now feeling and processing and experiencing recovery on so many levels, in all areas of my life. I have really needed to hold on to the concept of COURAGE to make these life changes. That is why I love the Serenity Prayer so much. It speaks to my soul. I am changing in a lot of ways, through various means, and I need God's help for these changes to be eternal changes. I need COURAGE to change the things that I can. There are several things I cannot change and I am struggling to find serenity in that. But I am working on it. Those closest to me say they see great progress and that wonderful changes are taking place in me. I might not recognize those changes as clearly as they do, however, I do know that God has granted me SERENITY, COURAGE and WISDOM.

Today I was driving home from an experience that took courage on my part and humility to accept the help. I had 2 sweet little boys in the back seat that I am working with this summer and they were singing away. They were making me smile. As I drove away from this location, I started crying. They were tears of gratitude for God, for the gospel, for friends and for an inspired bishop. And then it hit me, (well, really the Holy Ghost spoke to my heart) that I have experienced heavy, deep, difficult challenges this past 12 months and God has seen me through them. He has provided ways for me to walk through the dark, even when I thought my life was ending. I am still walking in the dark, but I have so many more tools and resources and support than a year or two or three ago. I said a silent prayer to God to thank Him for not deserting me. I even felt for a moment that "I can do hard things through Christ the Lord" because I have been doing them for 36 years due to the journey of my life.

My recovery is not about sexual addiction. Yes, I struggle with that and I am working recovery for that struggle. However, the true reason I am working recovery is to heal a severely damaged and broken heart, mind and soul. I am in recovery to know that I have infinite worth, that I matter and that there is a plan for me. The Serenity Prayer provides me with hope as I travel down the road of recovery. It gives me the courage to change false beliefs to eternal truths and to feel the hope and peace of God's love.

Message of Hope

Today at church I was sitting through the meeting trying to push away the intense feelings of sadness. As the tears started coming, my dear friend reached into her purse and pulled out a little piece of paper. She handed it to me to me to read. She whispered that she was reading a book this morning when these words in the story popped out at her and she wrote them down for me. She brought the paper to church, saving it for the right moment, when she knew I needed to feel some hope and encouragement. 

This kindness and thoughtfulness touched me even more than the words on the paper themselves. It is little things (big to me) like this that bring positive emotions into my soul and strengthen my resolve to keep fighting this fight. This tender mercy today filled me with a calmness that God is aware of me. 

Here are the words that were on the paper:
Richard Paul Evans (from his book "The Looking Glass")

"Our false beliefs can be a chain to our souls. Only if we hold on to who we truly are can we be free."

"We are worthy - 
Worthy of life.
Worthy of love.
Worthy of kindness and gentleness.
We are NOT some mistake of God or nature."

I could write for hours about these words. But maybe another day. I struggle with so many false beliefs, with chains and with feeling "worthy" of anything. However, today I felt a small taste of what feeling "worthy" of love, kindness and gentleness is like when my friend reached out to me in her Christ-like way to let me know I am not alone and that there is hope. 

I hope these words bring others hope too, for we are all trying to be free and to believe we are worthy of life, love, kindness and gentleness. 

Insights I Gained From ARP Tonight.

Does any of this sound or feel familiar?

-Many who have suffered from addiction feel a sense of isolation.
-Many who have suffered have kept many things to themselves-shameful things, embarrassing things, heartbreaking things, things that make them feel vulnerable.

I can relate to these things so strongly right now. They come straight from the ARP manual at the beginning of Step 5. Tonight in my ARP group we were focused on Step 5. Interestingly enough, even though I am not on Step 5 yet officially, I feel that this message is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. 

I needed to be reminded that my feelings of isolation are part of this experience. And I am not alone in these feelings. And yes, I am keeping certain things to myself that are shameful and make me feel vulnerable...but I am only keeping them to myself when appropriate. I have not kept them from the Lord, my bishop or my therapists. Sharing those things with group members or others in my life would not be appropriate for me (My best friend knows quite a bit too - she is that "extremely trustworthy person in word and deed" it talks about in Step 5).

I think it is interesting that the manual says (in Step 5) we confess to the Lord, the bishop if necessary and a "trusted person to whom we could disclose the exact nature of our wrongs".  Nowhere in this step does it say I need to disclose my wrongs to my family, friends, ward members, co-workers or acquaintances. 

Of course, if I have hurt them, I need to apologize and seek forgiveness. In fact, that is taken care of in Step 8 when I seek forgiveness from those I have harmed and I am willing to make restitution to them. Then in Step 9,  I take the step to make that restitution to others if possible.  I love what is says in Step 9 about making amends, "If they give you the chance to apologize, be brief and specific about the situation you remember. Details are not necessary. The purpose is not to explain or describe your side of things." 

Wow...that is powerful stuff. I love how all the steps tie together so smoothly. I am humbled by the gentle nudges that the Addiction Recovery Program provides for my path to healing. This path of healing is different for every single person, however, the guidelines are the same. 

I am thankful that the Lord has set forth the guidelines to help me be successful in my recovery so that it can bring a complete change to my heart and my life. I know that as I ask the Lord for help, He will give me courage and strength. I need courage and strength right now as I work the steps, strive to make good choices in all areas of my life, and look for ways to serve others. I can't imagine overcoming this addiction and the challenges in the other areas of my life without the gospel principles and without the love of God. 

Tender Mercies of Today

I don't have a lot of words tonight but there is so much on my mind. I had a good day today with several tender mercies. Some of those tender mercies included:
*Breakfast with 2 of my friends.
*Peaceful morning.
*Talking on the phone to best friend to make plans for tomorrow.
*Amazing spiritual conversation with one of my therapists (yes, he is LDS). I asked some deep questions about my life in the session and he answered them with inspired wisdom and understanding. The spirit was strong and I was reminded how blessed I am to have had this person in my life for the past 5 years.
*Anxiety free day. This in itself is a miracle.
*Phone conversation with my other therapist that turned spiritual also. She is not LDS, but is a person I respect and admire because of her deep faith in God. Today my conversation with her reminded me of how God puts people in our lives because He loves us.
*Best friend came over this evening for a bit and we had such a good conversation. It too was filled with spiritual upliftment and a silent reminder to me how richly blessed my life is because she is in it. God must love me.
*Today I hit my first goal in recovery days. It feels good to know I have met my goal for being clean "X" amount of days. I have the rest of my life to go, but breaking it up into small recovery goals makes the journey so much more doable.
*I am looking forward to tomorrow....movie with best friend, ward dutch-oven dinner activity and getting some things done at home.
*Things are hard right now....I am experiencing some difficult life things....but I am strong and courageous and God is blessing me. He is giving me strength and courage and faith and encouraging me to trust the process. And because I am trusting the process and working hard, God is showing me that I can have light in my life.