My Sunday Evening Thoughts!

This weekend was Stake Conference. Well, really it was a Regional Conference because it was a broadcast from Salt Lake City today. There were 49 stakes in my area that received the broadcast.  

Last night was the adult session, where my Stake Presidency spoke. They gave good talks, but what impressed me the most was the musical numbers that we had. I felt the spirit and was reminded how much I love gospel music. I was very blessed to go to conference with my best friend and her husband. He is also the bishop of my ward. 

When conference was over, they invited me to their house to play cards. We have a favorite card game we play together often. I love, love, love spending time at their home. To me, their home is the most peaceful, spirit-filled place in my life at this time. I do not have a temple recommend currently (getting closer every day) and when I am in their home, I feel Christ's love stronger than any other place. Elder Scott described their home perfectly in General Conference this month. He said, "As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a Christ-centered home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept, and love abounds." This describes their home and it is a great blessing to me that I am able to spend time with them in this Christ-centered home. And by the way, I did not win the game. Bishop won....he came from behind and beat us bad!

Today's broadcast was really good and I felt the spirit. Sunday's are hard for me and church is especially difficult at times. I struggle with my feelings of self-worth more at church than any other place. I am working on making church a more positive experience and I feel that I am getting stronger each week as I attend. I was thankful to attend today's session with my dear friends again and sit with them. It helps so much to not have to worry about sitting alone or finding a seat. It is comforting to sit next to someone who knows ME and loves ME and accepts ME. 

Each of the talks was excellent and I gained something from each of them. I also kept track of how often they mentioned pornography. It ended up only being two times by name, but it hit me hard each of those two times. Elder Nash said "Avoid pornography like a plague. Do not touch it. If you have, repent."  His talked referred to the Brother of Jared, so there were a lot of boat analogies. One of them things he said that I liked was, "Don't jump off the boat into the sea of sin".  He also said, "Don't have a shipwrecked soul".

Elder Osguthrope had a really good line that impacted me. He said, "Faith in the future brings the future about". Wow...that thought could also be turned the other way if you don't have faith. I am trying to live my life with faith so that my future can be bright. Right now it feels scary and emotional and painful. But I have moments where the light comes in and I feel the Savior's love and it gives me hope for my future.

Elder Hales talk was powerful, inspired and full of doctrine. He talked a lot about Prayer, Family Home Evening and Family Council. Being single in the gospel, I was trying to make connections to my own life and ways I can incorporate the "family message" to my own personal life. I was reminded to pray often and with gratitude. He also told us to plan our lives with purpose. That is what I am trying to do...have a purpose in life. For so long my purpose was just to survive each day. But I am ready to actually live and find meaning in my life. My favorite part of his talk was when he said there are no halves and halve nots in the gospel. Ahhhh...such a good reminder that no one is better than anyone else. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remember that I am not such a horrible person and that my neighbor is not loved anymore than I am. His talk brought me to tears when he talked specifically to the single women in the audience and the women whose lives are not how they imagined them to be. I couldn't hold the tears back because my heart aches so much. I felt loved, mixed with a deep sadness, to hear an apostle of the Lord speak to women like me.

Overall, today has been a good day. The best Sunday I have had in quite sometime. I am humbled by the experiences of the weekend and grateful for another day of sobriety. Late last night the temptation became almost overpowering, but I was able to work through it and not let Satan have his way. I don't want him to have any power over me and so I continue to work recovery by applying the gospel principles. 

Here's to another week filled with faith, hope, courage and strength!
                                                          ***Day 31***