I am struggling. I am looking to the light, but it is so dim, that I can barely see anything. I want something that I shouldn't have.
In Step 1 the manual talks about how our "addictions provided us stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced-or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret or boredom." (pg.1) Yes, this is all true in my case. And right now, I am feeling all those things and want nothing more than to be numb.
With how I feel, I have been surprised how Elder Bendar's conference talk keeps going over and over in my head. So I was thrilled to see the church has already posted the talks on LDS.org. So I read his talk on chastity again tonight. It hurts. A lot. And all of my questions are not answered. But I have faith that they will be someday or at least I will be understand the principle of chastity more firmly in the future.
There are so many quotes from this talk. The one that stands out to me tonight is, "The precise nature of the test of mortality can be summarized in the following question: Will I respond to the inclinations of the natural man, or will I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord (see Mosiah 3:19)? That is the test. Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to bridle all of the passions of the flesh."
There are a few key things in this quote. I won't go into them tonight, but I am asking myself this very question right now...HOW WILL I RESPOND TO THE NATURAL MAN?
I hope I can answer this question in the morning that I put off the natural man. And I really wish I understood the atonement and how it can help with appetites, desires and impulses.
This is tough stuff. Anyone who has never had to deal with this type of addiction probably has no idea how intense it really is. They might think we can just give this stuff up without any problems and that is should be easy. And being a single sister in the church makes this addiction that more intense. As it would be for a single male. For reasons only those that are single LDS members of the church can understand...and it does not have everything to do with sex.
I am praying for strength tonight so that I can withstand the power of Satan and that I can understand how best to put off the natural man for one more night.
***Day 19***
be strong!!! I can totally relate. I am a 27 year old single LDS female struggling with pornography addiction. I know how hard it can be! I know that sometimes the craving and temptation will NOT go away. It is relentless and very strong at times. I also know that it is NOT worth it to give in. The self-loathing, shame, guilt and a million other negative emotions that occur almost right after are just not worth how you will feel tomorrow guilt-free. I hope you have a good night and remember that angels are around you all the time (according to Elder Holland's 'Ministry of Angels' talk) - you can do it!
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right...the self-loathing is not worth it. I am strong, probably stronger than I realize. It is only through God that I am strong. And He helps me get through the temptation whenever I access Him for strength. I made it through another day. I love that Elder Holland talk. We really are blessed and protected by angels. Satan knows this and is working extra hard on us. But we are daughters of God! :)
DeleteOne thing that helped me in moments of temptation when I first started the program, and still now, is having 1) praying to God right then! for help. 2) having a playlist and conference talk on my ipod to turn on, if able, when I felt tempted. I would play them as I fell asleep. Especially Elder Holland's "Give Place No More" talk.
ReplyDeleteAnd list the things you stand to lose by giving in! That will help so much!
Those are awesome suggestions. I really like the talk idea from Elder Holland and having it ready to go on my iPod. Thank you!
ReplyDelete