The key principle in step 1 is: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. The focus of this step is HONESTY.
Oh boy, honesty. Honesty for me began when I admitted that I had an addiction. I had excused my behavior for many different reasons my entire life and had convinced myself that what I was doing okay. My bishop opened my eyes to the seriousness of pornography and masturbation. It still took quite a few months to admit I was an addict. It took many more months before I was ready to go to a 12 step meeting (and that is a story in itself because my area does not have a meeting for women who are addicted to pornography YET). And I am still working on the courage to completely admit to the group that I do attend that I am an addict (though I am sure they know). The only ones who know about my addiction are God, my bishop, my therapists and my dearest friend. Now everyone reading this blog knows. But I am being anonymous with this blog....for now....though this blog is a huge step for me.
So, with admitting that I am powerless, I need to be honest with my ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) sisters. I believe that is the next step in my recovery. I almost had the courage on Wednesday night, but then I talked myself out of it. I will pray for the strength to share this piece of my soul with these amazing sisters.
I have been clean for 15 days. That is 100% clean. I am in the withdrawal process and it is beyond difficult right now. My therapist told me today that a lot is going on in my body, which is making me want to act out, and it will continue for a time. Then I will continue to have to deal with triggers. I am dealing with a major trigger right now, which is an overwhelming feeling of despair and sadness and depression. I desperately fought off the temptation last night and was able to eventually fall asleep early in the morning after a true battle.
Hey, hey! Another blog to add to my reading list. I love reading these blogs--they are inspiring to me.
ReplyDeleteSo, when you say you are attending a 12 step group--but it's not a women's one, what group is it? A mixed male and female one? Just a general addiction one?
I am asking because I am trying to advocate a women's group in my area (WA) because I don't feel comfortable going to a mixed gender group. Would love to know more about your experiences.
I love reading the blogs too. They completely inspire me to be better & work recovery.
ReplyDeleteI will blog more about my group, but here is the short version. There is no women only group in my area. There are several men's group, but I refuse to go to that one. That would not help my problem at this point and really only make me want to act out more probably. So, I go to the support meeting for the wives. They meet in the seminary room next to the men. They are using the 12 step ARP manual and are on the same step as the men each week. The meeting is run exactly the same, only the woman are sharing about their struggles of faith and hope and just a little bit about what is happening with their husbands. They really are just bearing testimony of the Addiction Recovery Program. They are absolutely the sweetest, kindest, non-judgmental, loving women I have ever met.
I say I have never told them I am an addict, but I have implied it several times. Sometimes I share about what step I am on or I share my thoughts on something we read from the manual that evening. And sometimes I just pass.
My goal in the next week or two is to just come right out and say it. I am positive the woman know. There have been 2 other sisters that come on and off that have told the group who they are. And the sisters are so welcoming and are glad they are there. They all know there is no group for us and they don't want us to go with guys either. So for now, this is the best I have. And it is the 12 step program, with support.
The sister missionary (her husband is the missionary next door) is amazing and so supportive. She has known since day one I am an addict and has been nothing but welcoming. She is working with the area LDS Family Services director to start a women's group. It has been approved by SLC and will begin in a few months.
I plan on always going to this group and will go to the new group too. Two meetings a week will be good for me. I know others think it wouldn't work for them to go to support meeting, but for me it was the best option. It has strengthened my testimony more than anything else has ever and guided me into recovery.
Oh, I did try just a regular addiction ARP group for about 2 months before I found this support group. I DID NOT work for me. I never talked, I didn't feel welcome and I didn't completely relate to where they were at. So I gave it a try first before my bishop helped me find this group.
Okay, that was long but hopefully made sense. I hear you need a bishop, a stake president and the LDS Services director to really do all the leg work for a women's only group to get approved by SLC. I hope it will happen for you. I am excited for mine to start in a few months.
Immensely helpful, thank you for your detailed response.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm glad you feel welcome at the wives-of-addicts group, and I think the fact that the sister missionary knows you are helps keep the discussion in a non-bashing approach. I went to a group like that, accidently (spouses of the addicted), and the missionary gave so many general "slams" of addicts. I don't think she intended it to be so derogatory, but it was. I didn't enjoy it, but they also weren't aware of the "truth" about me.
I finally feel like with the help of my therapists and their friends, we're getting the ball rolling. I don't know if this will be a church sponsored deal or not, but we shall see what gets put together!! Otherwise, my therapist is on my stake high council and I told him that perhaps I need a calling to be publicity for the groups. :) One way or another, I'll get involved.