Working Recovery

I am working recovery, just like my blog name says. It is so hard. I have moments of success and I  have moments of weakness. I have not given up but I am disappointed in myself. And that disappointment hurts more than knowing you have disappointed God, the Savior, the bishop and your best friend.

I have not watched pornography for over 2 months. I am trying to not count days right now as I was getting caught up in that whole idea of basing my worth on how many days I have been clean. However, I will say that it is getting easier to not watch it or even think about it. It's the other part of the addiction. The big "M" word that is killing me. I asked some pretty blunt questions to my bishop tonight regarding this. I appreciated his response because even though he does not know the answer to my tough question, he didn't just make something up. He was honest with me and encouraged me to keep asking the questions instead of getting upset, frustrated, discouraged and turning away from the Lord. He said he wants me to ask the hard questions, even if he doesn't know the answers. I respected him for saying that and I feel like I can go to him with some of my other hard questions.

I am dealing with some other difficult things in my life right now, which is causing me to trigger even more into this addiction. It helps numb the pain I am feeling. I am in intense counseling for several areas of my life, which is extremely helpful. However, the best thing for me is to stay close to the Lord, strive to feel His spirit, keep going to church, exercise faith and try with all my might to keep the influence of Satan out of my life. I am doing the best that I can, which is an awful lot right now, and I hope it is enough to keep me moving forward in a positive direction.