My Sunday Evening Thoughts!

This weekend was Stake Conference. Well, really it was a Regional Conference because it was a broadcast from Salt Lake City today. There were 49 stakes in my area that received the broadcast.  

Last night was the adult session, where my Stake Presidency spoke. They gave good talks, but what impressed me the most was the musical numbers that we had. I felt the spirit and was reminded how much I love gospel music. I was very blessed to go to conference with my best friend and her husband. He is also the bishop of my ward. 

When conference was over, they invited me to their house to play cards. We have a favorite card game we play together often. I love, love, love spending time at their home. To me, their home is the most peaceful, spirit-filled place in my life at this time. I do not have a temple recommend currently (getting closer every day) and when I am in their home, I feel Christ's love stronger than any other place. Elder Scott described their home perfectly in General Conference this month. He said, "As you center your home on the Savior, it will naturally become a refuge not only to your own family but also to friends who live in more difficult circumstances. They will be drawn to the serenity they feel there. Welcome such friends into your home. They will blossom in that Christ-centered environment. One of the greatest blessings we can offer to the world is the power of a Christ-centered home where the gospel is taught, covenants are kept, and love abounds." This describes their home and it is a great blessing to me that I am able to spend time with them in this Christ-centered home. And by the way, I did not win the game. Bishop won....he came from behind and beat us bad!

Today's broadcast was really good and I felt the spirit. Sunday's are hard for me and church is especially difficult at times. I struggle with my feelings of self-worth more at church than any other place. I am working on making church a more positive experience and I feel that I am getting stronger each week as I attend. I was thankful to attend today's session with my dear friends again and sit with them. It helps so much to not have to worry about sitting alone or finding a seat. It is comforting to sit next to someone who knows ME and loves ME and accepts ME. 

Each of the talks was excellent and I gained something from each of them. I also kept track of how often they mentioned pornography. It ended up only being two times by name, but it hit me hard each of those two times. Elder Nash said "Avoid pornography like a plague. Do not touch it. If you have, repent."  His talked referred to the Brother of Jared, so there were a lot of boat analogies. One of them things he said that I liked was, "Don't jump off the boat into the sea of sin".  He also said, "Don't have a shipwrecked soul".

Elder Osguthrope had a really good line that impacted me. He said, "Faith in the future brings the future about". Wow...that thought could also be turned the other way if you don't have faith. I am trying to live my life with faith so that my future can be bright. Right now it feels scary and emotional and painful. But I have moments where the light comes in and I feel the Savior's love and it gives me hope for my future.

Elder Hales talk was powerful, inspired and full of doctrine. He talked a lot about Prayer, Family Home Evening and Family Council. Being single in the gospel, I was trying to make connections to my own life and ways I can incorporate the "family message" to my own personal life. I was reminded to pray often and with gratitude. He also told us to plan our lives with purpose. That is what I am trying to do...have a purpose in life. For so long my purpose was just to survive each day. But I am ready to actually live and find meaning in my life. My favorite part of his talk was when he said there are no halves and halve nots in the gospel. Ahhhh...such a good reminder that no one is better than anyone else. I have to pinch myself sometimes to remember that I am not such a horrible person and that my neighbor is not loved anymore than I am. His talk brought me to tears when he talked specifically to the single women in the audience and the women whose lives are not how they imagined them to be. I couldn't hold the tears back because my heart aches so much. I felt loved, mixed with a deep sadness, to hear an apostle of the Lord speak to women like me.

Overall, today has been a good day. The best Sunday I have had in quite sometime. I am humbled by the experiences of the weekend and grateful for another day of sobriety. Late last night the temptation became almost overpowering, but I was able to work through it and not let Satan have his way. I don't want him to have any power over me and so I continue to work recovery by applying the gospel principles. 

Here's to another week filled with faith, hope, courage and strength!
                                                          ***Day 31***

Staying On The Lord's Side

I have been thinking about this quote from General Conference by Elder Scott. It seems like common sense and I should just know this and believe it. However, when I am caught up in my addiction I seem to lose the sense of what is really on the Lord's side. I need help and encouragement and reminders as to what is on the Lord's side and sometimes I need those reminders over and over.

I am thankful that Heavenly Father has provided me with some amazing blessings that help me stay on the Lord's side, even on the darkest of days. One of the blessings in my life is my best friend. She knows what I am struggling with and she loves me unconditionally. We have fun together doing a variety of things and she provides needed reminders of how to stay on the Lord's side. She is the best cheerleader and celebrates any big and small successes with me.

Another blessing in my life is ARP. My entire day today was emotional for me for a variety of reasons. I didn't know earlier in the day if I would go to ARP because of how I was feeling emotionally. A few hours into the day, I knew that I must be there no matter how many tears were going to be shed. I have been clean & sober for 27 days. But at times, it feels like I am only one minute into recovery. My best friend does another amazing thing....she attends ARP meetings with me. I cannot even explain to anyone how much this means to me and blesses my life in a variety of ways. I will save that for another post. But tonight at ARP, I had so many thoughts going through my mind. I felt such deep sorrow for my choice to engage in this sin. I am not sure I have ever felt this kind of sorrow in my life. I had a very difficult time keeping my emotions in check and controlling the tears. I experienced something tonight that was different, painful and full of regret for my choices. We were on Step 9 tonight, which focuses on restitution. When I think of this addiction, I have always thought that it was not hurting anyone but myself....but I am slowly starting to realize what this addiction has taken from me and how it has affected the relationships in my life.  I am not ready to tackle Step 9 since I am working on the steps in order (I am focused on Step 1 & 2 right now). But Heavenly Father made it clear to me tonight that these sins are affecting more people than just myself. And that I have quite a bit of very difficult work ahead of me.

I am committed to changing my life and becoming closer to my Savior. I am committed to the 12 steps. I am committed to improving my life minute by minute and day by day. I am committed to staying on the Lord's side. My heart is filled with gratitude for those that love me and encourage me and listen to me and hug me and provide reminders on how to stay on the Lord's side. I need those reminders and encouragement. Elder Scott's promise is a perfect reminder of my goal to be strong and battle this addiction. If I stay on the Lord's side, I will win this battle over pornography and it's related behaviors with His help.

Goals

I have always had goals in my life. I was raised in the church, so I was taught at an early age to set goals and then go for it. Then when I was a teenager, I set a lot of goals in the Young Women's program. I earned my Young Womanhood Award my senior year in high school. I then earned it again when I served as Young Women's President in my ward for five years. Those five years were the years I was the most clean (not 100%, but the slips were few and far between). So, yes, I have a been a goal making person.

I have goals now. But the most important goal currently is to take my recovery minute by minute. Sometimes not even day by day because I can only promise myself  to move forward minute by minute. As I walked out of one of my therapists office yesterday, he said "stay strong until I see you again next week". My response was "I will take it day by day and I plan on seeing you next week". That was the best I could do.  I had another goal too that went along with my spirituality and recovery, but I have had to let that one go. It was too much pressure and unattainable, so I have had to let it go. It hurts to let goals go, but it is for the best. I will leave that for another post.

In my Addiction Recovery Support Meeting Wednesday night, the spirit was strong. I thought about the purpose of the meetings and what I get from attending each week. Some might think I am a bit crazy for going to the support meeting, when I am the one that is the addict. But since there is not a women's only PASG here in my area (yet), this is the best I can do for myself.  I believe the meeting is fulfilling it's purpose for me and is what I need right now in my life. I am not out to expose myself and bare my soul to strangers, that is what my time spent with my bishop and therapists is for. I know I am an addict, God knows and the key people in my life know. I am open about it with them. I have not felt inspired to share it with the group I attend, though some of the things I say make it quite obvious. Maybe someday I will feel that I need to say something more, but I am being led by the spirit in what to say. I am at the meeting for the sole purpose to feel the spirit, gain strength from these loving women, learn from their experiences, gain a testimony of the atonement, find out more about Jesus Christ, learn gospel principles, study the 12 steps to help them become a part of my life and to find hope in recovery. Those purposes are being fulfilled, and I am gaining friends a long the way.

Another goal in my recovery is to keep attending these meetings. They have helped me more in my recovery than any other single thing has in regards to my testimony. When I started going in October 2012, my testimony was at rock bottom. Since working the steps and attending weekly, I have started to think about the gospel in a different way and feel more hopeful. Everyone's path to recovery is different, and this is the path I have been guided by the Savior to take.

Now, time to move on to the next minute of my life and continue today's recovery journey.

***Day 23***

Putting Off The Natural Man

I am struggling. I am looking to the light, but it is so dim, that I can barely see anything. I want something that I shouldn't have. 

In Step 1 the manual talks about how our "addictions provided us stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced-or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret or boredom." (pg.1)  Yes, this is all true in my case. And right now, I am feeling all those things and want nothing more than to be numb. 

With how I feel, I have been surprised how Elder Bendar's conference talk keeps going over and over in my head. So I was thrilled to see the church has already posted the talks on LDS.org. So I read his talk on chastity again tonight. It hurts. A lot. And all of my questions are not answered. But I have faith that they will be someday or at least I will be understand the principle of chastity more firmly in the future.

There are so many quotes from this talk. The one that stands out to me tonight is, "The precise nature of the test of mortality can be summarized in the following question: Will I respond to the inclinations of the natural man, or will I yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit and put off the natural man and become a saint through the Atonement of Christ the Lord (see Mosiah 3:19)? That is the test. Every appetite, desire, propensity, and impulse of the natural man may be overcome by and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We are here on the earth to develop godlike qualities and to bridle all of the passions of the flesh."

There are a few key things in this quote. I won't go into them tonight, but I am asking myself this very question right now...HOW WILL I RESPOND TO THE NATURAL MAN? 

I hope I can answer this question in the morning that I put off the natural man. And I really wish I understood the atonement and how it can help with appetites, desires and impulses. 

This is tough stuff. Anyone who has never had to deal with this type of addiction probably has no idea how intense it really is. They might think we can just give this stuff up without any problems and that is should be easy. And being a single sister in the church makes this addiction that more intense. As it would be for a single male. For reasons only those that are single LDS members of the church can understand...and it does not have everything to do with sex. 

I am praying for strength tonight so that I can withstand the power of Satan and that I can understand how best to put off the natural man for one more night.

***Day 19***

Saturday General Conference

I did it! I watched all four hours of General Conference today.  This is a huge improvement over six months ago. I had some  interesting experiences where I know Heavenly Father wanted me to hear certain talks or even just certain phrases. I will have to share in future posts about that.

Tonight I just wanted to share one of my favorite quotes today that gave me hope. And I referred to it several times today when I was feeling discouraged and guilty and shameful when listening to other talks.

My favorite quote from today is from Elder Craig A. Cardon (Saturday morning). His talk was on repentance.  He said, "In His mercy He allows for improvement over time and not immediate change. The Lord will recognize our righteous efforts." 

I needed to hear that today, maybe more than any other day. I needed to know that it was okay that I have not been able to change everything all at once when it comes to this addiction, including the thoughts. I needed to know that the Lord recognizes my efforts, because I am really giving a valiant effort in all areas of my life. It was calming to my spirit to hear this. It carried me through the rest of the conference speakers.

One thing I know for sure about myself is that I have desire to not participate in this addiction. It is a small desire, but it is a desire and it grows stronger each day. In the ARP manual for Step 1 it says, "The only requirement to begin recovery is the desire to stop participating in the addiction. If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don't worry. It will grow!" I am counting on it growing and that I will be able to show consistent improvement over time. 

Step 1: All About Honesty

I go back and forth between steps 1, 2 & 3. I think I am ready to move on to the next one, then something happens and life throws me a curve ball.  This has happened several times since I have began my recovery in October 2012. I know now that I am still on step one. For sure. There is no denying that I am still working on the principles in this step.

The key principle in step 1 is: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable. The focus of this step is HONESTY.

Oh boy, honesty. Honesty for me began when I admitted that I had an addiction. I had excused my behavior for many different reasons my entire life and had convinced myself that what I was doing okay. My bishop opened my eyes to the seriousness of pornography and masturbation. It still took quite a few months to admit I was an addict. It took many more months before I was ready to go to a 12 step meeting (and that is a story in itself because my area does not have a meeting for women who are addicted to pornography YET). And I am still working on the courage to completely admit to the group that I do attend that I am an addict (though I am sure they know). The only ones who know about my addiction are God, my bishop, my therapists and my dearest friend. Now everyone reading this blog knows. But I am being anonymous with this blog....for now....though this blog is a huge step for me.

So, with admitting that I am powerless, I need to be honest with my ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) sisters. I believe that is the next step in my recovery. I almost had the courage on Wednesday night, but then I talked myself out of it. I will pray for the strength to share this piece of my soul with these amazing sisters.

I have been clean for 15 days. That is 100% clean. I am in the withdrawal process and it is beyond difficult right now. My therapist told me today that a lot is going on in my body, which is making me want to act out, and it will continue for a time. Then I will continue to have to deal with triggers.  I am dealing with a major trigger right now, which is an overwhelming feeling of despair and sadness and depression. I desperately fought off the temptation last night and was able to eventually fall asleep early in the morning after a true battle.

In the ARP manual, it says "When we chose to admit to ourselves that we had a problem and we became willing to seek support and help, we gave hope a place to grow." I am working on hope and honesty and trust and faith and courage right now. I am doing the best I can at this very moment. I have admitted to God that I am powerless and that I need His help. I welcome relief from this addiction, until then, I will continue to work recovery with courage and faith.

Welcome To My Blog!

Welcome to my blog.  I am excited about this new undertaking.  My goal is to provide hope, encouragement and insight into the world of recovery from the chains of pornography. As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I am working the 12 steps of the church's Addiction Recovery Program. I began this journey of recovery in October 2012 and am living the daily battle of a lifelong addiction.

The church has a powerful and extremely useful website focused on pornography.  It has more tools than I know what to do with.  I strongly encourage anyone that is dealing with this addiction, who has a loved one involved with it or any church leaders to visit the church's website often. I know I am going to.

In A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, it says on page 1 something that has stuck with me from the first time I opened this book.  It says, "Nothing begins without an individual's will to make it begin. Freedom from addiction and cleanliness begin with a tiny flicker of will."  I have a "tiny flicker of will" and will continue to build on that every single day.

I am living my life with courage.  I hope you will join me on this journey.